My Refuge

Grandmom's dying process has been so eerily similar to four years ago when my grandpop was dying. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving, starting and stopping eating and drinking. It was around Thanksgiving '07 my grandpop had his massive heart attack. And from there it's just little things that are causing flashbacks. My mom cannot stand the sight of these little blue foam things on popsicle sticks that you are supposed to use to moisten her mouth. My grandpop had a breathing tube in from December till March and we'd moisten his mouth with those foam things. Since my grandmom's skin is starting to break down from lack of nutrition, I've noticed some red spots on her back- so I'm trying to be more diligent to roll her back and forth. My grandpop had ended up with massive bed sore. And so on and so on...

But this morning I'm truly thankful and full of joy. Because spiritual I am in such a different place than I was four years ago. When I came back from Bible College and was watching both of my grandparents die and I got into such a dark dark place spiritually. I stopped really seeking the Lord or reading my Bible. My heart was so full of sin and anger and bitterness. I wrote things on this blog that were so hurtful to my aunts and cousin (though I think only my cousin ever read them). It was such an ugly place spiritually. Guilt plagued me constantly. And even when my grandpop died I couldn't even speak at his funeral. I felt so bad for who I was and what I'd done. 

And now, by the grace of God, He is my refuge. I don't want to waste this season. I don't want to be numb and hide from the pain. I want to hide myself in the Lord. My anchor. My refuge. My joy. He must be it all. 

A verse from Psalm 46 was on my pen I've been using lately and that chapter has been such a comfort this morning:

 God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling.Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy habitation of the Most High.

5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

he utters his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,

how he has brought desolations on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the chariots with fire.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!”

11 The LORD of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah.

And yes, I'm so thankful He's the God of Jacob. Cause I've been Jacob. He was a mess. Up and down and failing. Trying to do things his own way and messing it up. Yeah. That's me. And yet the Lord is His God. He's a God of Jacobs like me. A fortress for us. So thankful.

i love Jon Foreman. This song. This life is so quick. Our lives are literally but a vapor. I want to learn to die- considering how my life is already dead- who I was, and my life is now hid in Christ. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me, and the life that I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me" Gal 2:20