Granny Panties

Waiting

2012-01-25T23:50:00.002-05:00

Psalm 37

Trust in the LORD, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD;

trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;

The steps of a man are established by the LORD,

when he delights in his way;

though he fall, he shall not be cast headlong,

for the LORD upholds his hand.

I have been young, and now am old,

yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken

or his children begging for bread.

He is ever lending generously,

and his children become a blessing.

Well, I had another job offer yesterday. I feel like I literally wrote that post and next thing you know I'm getting a call from my old school (the school at my church) for a position. Anyway, I'm like so confused at this point. My dad just told me to wait for a month. Next thing you know my mom and him are calling me telling me to take the position- it would be perfect. And sure, of course I'd love playing at my old school/church all day. But...I just honestly don't feel like that's what I'm supposed to be doing. I can't for the life of me tell you what exactly that is, but I really didn't feel like that was it. Besides my dad had just told me not to accept any positions for a month. There's no reason my dad would tell me to do that. That's not like him at all. And it really didn't sound like him now that a few hours later he's practically denying he said it and telling me to take the position at Calvary.

Anyway, I talked it through with one of my pastors and a friend yesterday and went up to the school today and told them no.

So my first week home after seeking the Lord for what's next and I've turned down two perfect positions.

Yeah, I'm probably crazy.

But honestly, I don't know what the Lord is planning for these next few weeks, but it really seems like I'm supposed to keep waiting. It's not the most sane thing I've ever done, but it does seem clear. And like those verses said up there- The Lord never will forsake His children as they follow His commands.

(And on a side note: I'm not saying everyone should just not work and sit at home all day and pray and stuff. It's definitely Biblical to work and not be lazy. But I'm not being lazy- I'm in charge or housekeeping and cooking these days- and I am eventually going to work- or at least do something! haha)

So that's the latest development in the drama that is my life. I feel like a fool turning down these jobs, and maybe I am, but I do feel like the Lord is still saying wait.

In the mean time, besides being the maid of the Doran family, our ESL class is also restarting back up! So please pray- I'm super excited for this go round. We're way more organized and our curriculum looks good. So please pray for the Lord to provide laborers and the harvest! I truly saw His hand in leading this class and I'm excited for us to really rely on Him and seek Him and see Him work with this session. Tomorrow my friend Mariana and I are going to go pass out flyers for the class!

Letting Go

2012-01-24T09:41:00.001-05:00

I turned down a job offer yesterday. Yeah, what was I thinking? It was a good 9-5 job, ten dollars an hour, in a company that takes good care of you (sending employees on cruises even!). And I turned it down. At first I thought it would be a great job and really considered it. But when the time came to call the woman back to let her know if I was interested, I honestly broke down over the idea of being a receptionist/office manager and sitting behind a desk answering phone calls, filing papers, paying bills, sending emails. It's not me. I can barely talk to my friends on the phone. I'm the least organized person you'll ever meet (I mean, I lost my speech at my grandmom's funeral!)

Anyway, calling the woman back was now the nightmare of my life. I don't know what it was- I just freaked out. My mind was just a mess of confusion: Am I a failure? Am I really never going to be able to work a real job? Are all my fears true? Am I making a mistake by not accepting this job? What if nothing else gets offered to me? What if I do take the job and can never work up the guts to quit when I hate it? What if I can't handle the pressure or take off when I need to or everyone's mean?

And on the other side of the coin, I realized, accepting a new job means letting go. I think that's the hardest part. I just really really really liked taking care of my grandmom. And if I get a new job that means I don't do that anymore.

It was so strange, I met a new girl last night at our Young Adults group. And I asked her what she does, and than she asked me what I do. And I had to tell her- I don't do anything right now...because...for the last four years I took care of my grandmom...who died.

It's becoming more real.

My dad told me this morning that he doesn't want me accepting any job offers for a month. To just stop and rest and get myself together here at home. To be still. It's funny because my Father told me that too. It's really out of character for my dad to say that, so I'll take it from the Lord that He's continuing to ask me to Be Still.

Something neat- the Sunday night before prayer meeting, my friend Julianne and I ended up going a half hour early. And as we were walking up to the building, an older woman asks us if the church still has a 6:30 service. And we explained that it was now at 7:00 and a prayer service. As we walk in together and exchange names, she goes on to explain how she just left her mother at St. Mary's after she'd been up there with her all day. Her mother is in the early stages of dementia. She just came from the nursing home with a bladder infection. She was a war bride. Her temperament was hard to deal with and annoying and critical. She was not good at showing love and affection for her daughter. She was a widow. She was a clean freak. She is not saved.

We talked all the way up to prayer. We prayed together and for her mom. We talked after.

I got to encourage her with my grandmom's story- basically the exact same story except instead of being in a nursing home, my grandmother lived at home with us.

And I got to tell her that the Lord was faithful as we surrendered to Him- to put our love for grandmom in our hearts. That He saved her. That she actually became more loving. That the Lord's grace is sufficient.

It was totally the Lord. It was so amazing to see Him orchestrate our lives together and minister and comfort and continue to bring beauty from ashes.

Anyway, I guess right now I'm to continue to wait and to be still. The Lord is faithful and I know He's a Good Shepherd. So we'll see what He's gonna do...

Surrender

2012-01-23T11:09:00.001-05:00

I got back on Friday evening (my dad wanted me home before it snowed on Saturday- thought it probably would have been nice to get snowed in up at Old Mill) But I'm not going to update yet on my time away.

Reason #1 I really do need to clean my house up and some other errands so I don't have too much time today to reflect and do that time justice

Reason #2 Yesterday morning I was driving to church with my sister, and my gas tank was on super empty, so I stopped at the closest gas station to my house, pumped ten bucks of gas in, and than went on my way. We got to church, I reached back for my purse- and then it hit me like a ton of bricks- I left my purse on the back of my car at the gas station. Not in but on. Yup. Story of my life. Anyway- thank the Lord that my wallet and cell phone were not in there! But in it was my Bible, my journal (yes, the one from the last like two months!!! Yes my journal from my time away with the Lord!), and this awesome book one of my pastors got for my family by John Ross McDuff. I left church to go look for it and call the gas station to see if it fell out there, but no they had seen me drive off with it on the back of my car- right onto the HIGHWAY, of course. So my brother and I drove up and down the highway looking for it- I found on the median a little ways down a pair of $1.00 gloves that were in my purse and also a little pamphlet on prayer that had been in my purse but no sign of the purse between the gas station and the mall.

So if by some chance, you picked up my purse, found my Bible, googled my name, and are reading this- um, yeah, I really really really would like it back. And Jesus loves you!

In other news, I was rereading Susannah Spurgeon's Free Grace and Dying Love morning devotions today and this morning the verse was, "and it shall not seem hard unto thee" (Deuteronomy 15:18)

The Well in the Wilderness

"Dear Lord, I have this morning come to one of the secret springs of sweet waters; an ancient, hidden well in the wilderness which your love, as it were, kept covered up and concealed, till my great need moved you to open my eyes to discover it it. How precious has your thought been to me, O Lord! How strengthening and refreshing are these 'cold waters to a thirsty soul', which you have thus made to break forth in a strange place! For I thought I was suffering a hard thing, Lord, in the dealings and discipline which you have seen necessary for me; and, though, your grace kept me from openly murmuring and complaining, my inner self constantly cried out, 'this is hard, Lord, this is very hard.'

But now you say, 'No, My child, it must not even seem hard to you. Your trust in me should be so perfect, your faith in my love so strong, your obedience to my will so complete, that nothing should seem grievous which I appoint, no trial that I send should frighten or overwhelm you. Have I not always been to you, "a very present help in trouble"? Lord, my heart says, 'Amen!' to your gracious words, and then trust you to work all this loving obedience in me by Your own mighty power.

'It Shall not seem hard unto thee.' The peculiar trial through which I am now passing, is the very 'it' which must not seem hard to me. God's bow is never drawn at random; he makes no mistakes either in telling the number of 'the stars', or in the measuring out to me the griefs which shall teach me to glorify Him. And, dear reader, if you would find comfort from the words which so comforted me, you must look upon your present trouble, whatever it may be, and say, 'Lord, this shall not seem hard to me, for I have received so much bounty and blessing from you, I have known so much of your pity and pardoning love, that I dare not mistrust you, or question for a moment the divine wisdom of your dealings with me.'

Ah! our eyes are so dimmed by earth's fogs and shadows that we cannot see clearly enough to distinguish from evil and if left to ourselves might embrace a curse rather than a blessing. Poor blind mortals that we are, it is well for us that our Master should choose trials for us even though to our imperfect vision He seems sometimes to have appointed a hard thing.

Ill that God blesses turns to good,

While unblest good is ill,

And all is right that seems most wrong,

If it be His sweet will

Yes, it is in absolute and loving surrender to the will of the Lord that the secret of true rest and peace is found. This is the alchemy which turns earth's sorrows into heaven's blessings; here is the antidote to every sting, the sure-all of each care, the unfailing remedy for all anxious and restlessness. Dear Lord, if I am your child, trusting, loving, obeying you, how can your will for me seem 'hard?' No, rather, I should joyfully meet and welcome it, well knowing that your love to me, could only send a message of peace, however dark might be the envelope which enwrapped it.

This comfort cannot apply to troubles which we make for ourselves, and which we sometimes glorify into spiritual hardships, when they are really selfish sins; these are not God's will for us, but our own perverse way, and they bring nothing better than bitterness and tears. But God given burden or sorrow, carried out into the sunshine of His love, and laid at His blessed feet, immediately loses all it's hardness and is transformed into a blessing, for which our soul praises the Lord with tender thanksgiving.

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Ah! Dear master, it must grievously pain your loving heart when we, your own redeemed ones, think any of your dealings with us harsh or stern. You have loved us from everlasting, you did not spare your own Son when a ransom was required for our souls, you have led us, and fed us, and cared for us all our life long; can we be so wicked and ungrateful as to deem anything 'hard' which your wisdom and love appoint?

'It shall not seem hard unto thee.' Since this precious text rippled from the pages of God's word, like a 'brook by the way', I have been drinking of it's waters with great joy; when a trouble, great or small presses my soul, and causes my heart to faint within me, I take another drought from this sweet spring, and soon am ready to say, 'it is no longer hard, Lord, for 'I am filled with comfort, I am exceeding joyful in all our tribulation."'

Getting Alone

2012-01-18T15:18:00.002-05:00

So my friends up at the Camp at Old Mill finally got back to me (it was the Lord's timing) about me staying up there for a few days to pray and seek the Lord about what is next for me. To be honest, there's a part of me that is excited, and a part of me that is terrified. I'm unplugging. No laptop. No ipod. No TV. No friends, family, pastors (though I will have my cell with me). Just me and God. Which sounds really great until I start to question- will He meet with me? What if I have a panic attack? What if I hear nothing from Him? What if He does say something to me (and it's something hard...)? What if He tells me to keep waiting (how long can I actually be still!)? And the list goes on and on...and yeah, these are some of things that were going through my mind last night as I tried to sleep...and couldn't. I just was having a lot of anxiety about allowing God to be my one source- allowing everything else to dry up.

Here are some things that have been my comfort:

You have said, “Seek my face.”My heart says to you,“Your face, Lord, do I seek.” Psalm 27:8

The Lord is the one who pursued me. He initiated the whole relationship we have to begin with. He's the one telling me to be still, to get alone, to wait. My response is only to seek Him with all the strength He provides. I'm responsible for that part of it- everything else is on Him. And He's the one who is faithful to begin with. Why do I doubt His faithfulness and ability. Another comfort is the rest of that Psalm and how it kind of sounds like David is kind of having trouble hearing from the Lord in it- asking the Lord not to hide from him, forsake him,turn away from him(9), and the face that the encouragement David ends the Psalm with is:

"Wait for the Lord;be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!" (14).

He knows that our inclination is to just get discouraged when we're seeking the Lord. That sometimes things don't feel or even look like the Lord is helping us, or answering us, or even there for us. But We're to wait for the Lord.

And "be strong, and let your heart take courage" reminds me of Joshua 1:9- "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. oDo not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”" My comfort- The Lord is with me. The same comfort I had in the Valley of the Shadow of Death. "Thou art with me."

He's a Good Shepherd. "For His name's sake" does He lead me in paths of righteousness.
And I know that no matter what happens these next few days- "He's a very present help"- my refuge is in Him. My shelter. My fortress. And I know these words mean there's trouble. I know sometimes He leads us into the wilderness. I know there's a war going on and a battle. But He is my refuge. He is righteous. He is victorious. He is able. He is mighty. He is Stronger. He is sufficient. I am none of those things and so I will hide myself In Him.

Anyway, just some thoughts before I go up there tonight (I'll probably be back this weekend). Please pray for me. I'm pretty certain the panic and anxiety are gonna try to hang around- but I know where to go with them. I think they actually stir me to my knees more than anything else and that's probably why the Lord lets them hang around. "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God,and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-7.

Facing the Death of Someone You Love

2012-01-17T00:05:00.001-05:00

Facing the Death of Someone You Love by Elisabeth Elliot

It’s gone. I could see the yellow-spoked wheel of the spare tire, perched on the back of a 1934 Plymouth , disappear over the hilltop. The car in which I might have gotten a ride home from elementary school on this rainy day had gone and I was left behind.

“It’s gone.” The trainman stood at the only lighted gate in Penn Station. The train had gone, leaving me behind to figure out how on earth I was to make a speaking engagement on Long Island in an hour and a half.

We’ve all experienced the desolation of being left in one way or another. And sooner or later many of us experience the greatest desolation of all: he’s gone. The one who made life what it was for us—who was, in fact, our life.

And we were not ready. Not really prepared at all. We felt, when the fact stared us in the face, “No. Not yet.” For however bravely we may have looked at the possibilities (if we had any warning at all), however calmly we may have talked about them with the one who was about to die (and I had a chance to talk about the high risks with my first husband, and about the human hopelessness of the situation with my second), we are caught short. If we had another week, perhaps, to brace ourselves. A few more days to say what we wanted to say, to do or undo some things, wouldn’t it have been better, easier?

But silent, swift, and implacable the Scythe has swept by, and he is gone, and we are left. We stand bewildered on the sidewalk, on the station platform. Yet, most strangely, that stunning snatching away has changed nothing very much. There is the sunlight lying in patches on the familiar carpet just as it did yesterday. The same dishes stand in the rack to be put away as usual, his razor and comb are on the shelf, his shoes in the closet (O the shoes! Molded in the always recognizable shape of his feet). The mail comes, the phone rings, Wednesday gives way to Thursday and this week to next week, and you have to keep getting up in the morning (“Life must go on, I forget just why,” wrote Edna St. Vincent Millay) and combing your hair (for whom, now?), eating breakfast (remember to get out only one egg now, not three), making the bed (who cares?). You have to meet people who most fervently wish they could pass by on the other side so as not to have to think of something to say. You have to be understand ing with their attempts to be understanding, and when they nervously try to steer you away from the one topic you want so desperately to talk about you have to allow yourself to be steered away—for their sakes. You resist the temptation, when they say he’s “passed away,” to say “No, he’s dead, you know.”

After a few months you’ve learned those initial lessons. You begin to say “I” instead of “we” and people have sent their cards and flowers and said the things they ought to say and their lives are going on and so, astonishingly, is yours and you’ve “adjusted” to some of the differences—as if that little mechanical word, a mere tinkering with your routines and emotions, covers the ascent from the pit.

I speak of the “ascent.” I am convinced that every death, of whatever kind, through which we are called to go must lead to a resurrection. This is the core of Christian faith. Death is the end of every life and leads to resurrection, the beginning of every new one. It is a progression, a proper progression, the way things were meant to be, the necessary means of ongoing life. It is supremely important that every bereaved person be helped to see this. The death of the beloved was the beloved’s own death, “a very private personal matter,” Gert Behanna says, “and nobody should ever dare to try to get in on the act.” But the death of the beloved is also the lover’s death, for it means, in a different but perhaps equally fearsome way, a going through the Valley of the Shadow.

I can think of six simple things that have helped me through this valley and that help me now.

First, I try to be still and know that He is God. That advice comes from Psalm 46, which begins by describing the sort of trouble from which God is our refuge—the earth’s changing, or “giving way” as the Jerusalem Bible puts it, the mountains shaking, the waters roaring and foaming, nations raging, kingdoms tottering, the earth melting. None of these cataclysms seem an exaggeration of what happens when somebody dies. The things that seemed most dependable have given way altogether. The whole world has a different look and you find it hard to get your bearings. Shadows can be very confusing. But in both psalms we are reminded of one rock-solid fact that nothing can change: Thou art with me. The Lord of Hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge. We feel that we are alone, yet we are not alone. Not for one moment has He left us alone. He is the one who has “wrought desolations,” to be sure. He makes wars cease, breaks bows, shatters spears, burns chariots (breaks hearts, shatters lives?), but in the midst of all this hullabaloo we are commanded, “Be still.” Be still and know.

Stillness is something the bereaved may feel they have entirely too much of. But if they will use that stillness to take a long look at Christ, to listen attentively to His voice, they will get their bearings.

There are several ways of looking and listening that help us avoid being dangerously at the mercy of our (heaven forfend!) “gut-level” feelings. Bible reading and prayer are the obvious ones. Taking yourself by the scruff of the neck and setting aside a definite time in a definite place for deliberately looking at what God has said and listening to what He may have to say to you today is a good exercise. And if such exercises are seen as obligations, they have the same power that other obligations—cooking a meal, cleaning a bathroom, vacuuming a rug—have to save us from ourselves.

Another means of grace is repeating the creed. Here is a list of objective facts that have not been in the smallest detail altered by what has happened to us. Far from it. Not only have they not been altered; they do actually alter what has happened—alter our whole understanding of human life and death, lift it to another plane. We can go through the list and contemplate our situation in the light of each tremendous truth. It is simply amazing how different my situation can appear as a result of this discipline.

The second thing I try to do is to give thanks. I cannot thank God for the murder of one or the excruciating disintegration of another, but I can thank God for the promise of His presence. I can thank Him that He is still in charge, in the face of life’s worst terrors, and that “this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us [not ‘us for’] an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen.” (2 Corinthians 4:17 , 18) I’m back to the creed again and the things unseen that are listed there, standing solidly (yes, solidly, incredible as it seems) against things seen (the fact of death, my own loneliness, this empty room). And I am lifted up by the promise of that “weight” of glory, so far greater than the weight of sorrow that at times seems to grind me like a millstone. This promise enables me to give thanks.

Then I try to refuse self-pity. I know of nothing more paralyzing, more deadly, than self-pity. It is a death that has no resurrection, a sink-hole from which no rescuing hand can drag you because you have chosen to sink. But it must be refused. In order to refuse it, of course, I must recognize it for what it is. Amy Carmichael, in her sword-thrust of a book If, wrote, “If I make much of anything appointed, magnify it secretly to myself or insidiously to others, then I know nothing of Calvary love.” That’s a good definition of self-pity—making much of the “appointed,” magnifying it, dwelling on one’s own losses, looking with envy on those who appear to be more fortunate than oneself, asking “Why me, Lord?” (remembering the “weight of glory” ought to be a sufficient answer to that question). It is one thing to call a spade a spade, to acknowledge that this thing is indeed suffering. It’s no use telling yourself it’s nothing. When Paul called it a “slight” affliction he meant it only by comparison with the glory. But it’s another thing to regard one’s own suffering as uncommon, or disproportionate, or undeserved. What have “deserts” got to do with anything? We are all under the Mercy, and Christ knows the precise weight and proportion of our sufferings— He bore them. He carried our sorrows. He suffered, wrote George Macdonald, not that we might not suffer, but that our sufferings might be like His. To hell, then, with self-pity.

The next thing to do is to accept my loneliness. When God takes a loved person from my life it is in order to call me, in a new way, to Himself. It is therefore a vocation. It is in this sphere, for now anyway, that I am to learn of Him. Every stage on the pilgrimage is a chance to know Him, to be brought to Him. Loneliness is a stage (and, thank God, only a stage) when we are terribly aware of our own helplessness. It “opens the gates of my soul,” wrote Katherine Mansfield, “and lets the wild beasts stream howling through.” We may accept this, thankful that it brings us to the Very Present Help.

The acceptance of loneliness can be followed immediately by the offering of it up to God. Something mysterious and miraculous transpires as soon as something is held up in our hands as a gift. He takes it from us, as Jesus took the little lunch when five thousand people were hungry. He gives thanks for it and then, breaking it, transforms it for the good of others. Loneliness looks pretty paltry as a gift to offer to God—but then when you come to think of it so does anything else we might offer. It needs transforming. Others looking at it would say exactly what the disciples said, “What’s the good of that with such a crowd?” But it was none of their business what use the Son of God would make of it. And it is none of ours. It is ours only to give it.

The last of the helps I have found is to do something for somebody else. There is nothing like definite, overt action to overcome the inertia of grief. The appearance of Joseph of Arimathea to take away the body of Jesus must have greatly heartened the other disciples, so prostrate with their own grief that they had probably not thought of doing anything at all. Nicodemus, too, thought of something he could do—he brought a mixture of myrrh and aloes—and the women who had come with Jesus from Galilee went off to prepare spices and ointments. This clear-cut action lifted them out of themselves. That is what we need in a time of crisis. An old piece of wisdom is, “Dow the next thynge.” Most of us have someone who needs us. If we haven’t, we can find someone. Instead of praying only for the strength we ourselves need to survive, this day or this hour, how about praying for some to give away? How about trusting God to fulfill His own promise, “My power is made perfect in weakness”? (2 Corinthians 12:9) Where else is His power more perfectly manifested than in a human being who, well knowing his own weakness, lays hold by faith on the Strong Son of God, Immortal Love?

It is here that a great spiritual principle goes into operation. Isaiah 58:10-12 says, “If you pour yourself out for the hungry and satisfy the desire of the afflicted, then shall your light rise in the darkness and your gloom be as the noonday. And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail, and… you shall be called the repairer of the breach, the restorer of streets to dwell in [or, in another translation, ‘paths leading home’].”

The condition on which all these wonderful gifts (light, guidance, satisfaction, strength, refreshment to others) rests is an unexpected one—unexpected, that is, if we are accustomed to think in material instead of in spiritual terms. The condition is not that one solve his own problems first. He need not “get it together.” The condition is simply “if you pour yourself out.”

Countless others have found this to work. St. Francis of Assisi put the principle into other words in his great prayer, “Lord, make me an instrument of thy peace. Where there is darkness let me sow light, where there is sadness, joy…. Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console…. For it is in giving that we are pardoned; it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.” The words of this prayer were like a light to me in the nights of my husband’s last illness, and I wondered then at the marvel of a man’s prayer being answered (was I the millionth to be blessed by it?) some seven hundred years after he had prayed it. St. Francis was most certainly during those nights in 1973 an instrument of God’s peace.

Perhaps it is peace, of all God’s earthly gifts, that in our extremity we long for most. A priest told me of a terminally ill woman who asked him each time he came to visit only to pray, “The peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 4:7)

I have often prayed, in thinking of the many bereaved, the words of the beautiful hymn “Sun of My Soul”:

Be every mourner’s sleep tonight
Like infant slumbers, pure and bright.

There they are—six things that, if done in faith, can be the way to resurrection: be still and know, give thanks, refuse self-pity, accept the loneliness, offer it to God, turn your energies toward the satisfaction not of your own needs but of others’. And there will be no calculating the extent to which

From the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

One Step at a Time

2012-01-16T23:45:00.002-05:00

Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise. Many are the plans in a man's heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails. Proverbs 19:20-21

"I believe that, in guiding us, God deals with us as he dealt with the Israelites as He led them out of Egypt.
The first crossing of the sea was made very easy. The guidance couldn't have been simpler: the east wind blew and divided the sea before the people has to cross. Not so much as a foot was wet, except perhaps by a wind-driven spray. Moreover, it was impossible, as it were, to disobey, since they were pursued by Pharaoh's chariots and horsemen (Exodus 14).
But how different it was on the second occasion.

The priests had to walk into the strong current of a flooded river ad stand still there. What an order to scoff at, and what a sight it would pose to other men! But it was not until they obeyed- without a particle of visible proof that they were doing right- and carried the ark right into the river, that the waters rolled back before them (Joshua 3).

So it may be for us as we go on with God.

You and I may be called again and again to walk right into our own "rivers," whatever they may be- to wet our own feet in them. We may be called to do what nobody understands except those to whom the word of guidance is given- and with it, His promise too.

But understand this: the word must comes first, and also His promise. You and I must be sure of what we are called to do, with an inward conviction that absolutely nothing can shake. In my own case, again and again, I have to wet my feet in the water. Only God and those who have to walk in the path know how hard this faith-life can be. But He does know. And when people around us don't hear the words and the voice we have heard, and only say, 'it thunders...,' then He comes near, and we know Him as we have never known Him before...

If only the next step is clear, then the one thing to do it is take it! Don't pledge your Lord or yourself to any steps beyond what you know. You don't see them yet.

Once when I was climbing at night, in a forest before there was a made path, I learned what was meant by the words of Psalm 119:105:

You word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path.

I had only a lantern, and I had to hold it very low or I would certainly have slipped on those rough rocks.

We don't walk spiritually by an electric light, but by a hand held lantern. And a lantern shows only the next steps- not several steps ahead. Candles in the Dark p.41,43

My Father, there are so many paths I could walk - so many ways to choose. And there are certain decisions I must make that lead me around and around, until my heart is in confusion. Today I will fix my heart on this truth: When I feel confused there will always come a light, help low so that my feet won't stumble- a sure light that will shine on each step of my path. Thank you Father, that you will speak the counsels of Your word to me."

----Amy Carmichael "I Come Quietly to Meet You: An Intimate Journey in God's Presence" devotional readings arranged by David Hazard

Being Still

2012-01-14T18:44:00.000-05:00

...has not actually been an option yet.
But I know without a shadow of a doubt that's what the Lord is calling me to for now. To Be still. To wait upon Him. It's hard cause I feel busier than ever. I've been at His feet and met with Him and read the Word more than ever lately, but I'm still just busy. And so I emailed Mr. Jack who runs the camp I always mention (Camp at Old Mill) to see if I can take a few days away on a personal retreat. To seek the Lord. To wait on Him. To rely on Him. So I'm waiting (ironic?) to hear back from him and that's really my only step forward at this point.

It's been a strange week. Breaking habits- opening Grandmom's door. Actually leaving the house whenever I want. It's stranger than I'd ever imagined. Grandmom was a part of my thought process everyday in what I could and couldn't do and when I could do it. I had no clue she was so integrated into my every action. Sitting at the kitchen table at dinner...and not having to rush up to feed her. Leaving for church without having to ask my mom to check on her. Going out with friends. All going to church together as a family. Getting to watch my sibling's basketball games (last game I went to, I brought Grandmom and she passed out and we had to call the ambulance- she left on a stretcher blowing kisses to a cheering audience).

I do miss her. It's a very subtle missing her. Like I don't get overwhelmed and cry over it and I'm not like depressed or sorrowful over it. I think her not eating these last couple months has helped me grieve because I just am so confident that it was her time to go. I'm so confident that she's with the Lord. I'm so confident that she's whole.

I'm just more sad because I just really enjoyed taking care of her and being with her. It really became even just a part of my identity. And so it's a relearning. My identity is in Christ. And I think the Lord was really preparing me for this since the summer. Already teaching me and letting me have breakdowns over my need to trust Him and rely on Him and allow Him to be my one unshakable constant. My Rock. My Fortress. My Refuge. So He truly prepared me and is now giving me strength to work through it all.

This week has still been busy and my mom is still home and we've been working on just getting organized and just hanging out together. I think Tuesday (they still have off Monday) is when it'll start to hit. When I wake up to an empty house. This house has been soooo quiet since Grandmom went to heaven. I can't believe a little old woman who didn't even speak made so much noise. Her tv was always on, the sound of her air matress/hospital bed, even her Zebra Finches singing (did I mention they died Thursday? they caught a chill when we brought them out into the living room and I found them dead... so depressed). Anyway, I just feel the emptiness of our home without her- she really made this place a home. It's just not the same.

Also, I've been keeping it so clean! I realized Grandmom was such a distraction. I'd start cleaning, then I'd go and check on her, and she's look so cozy in bed, so I'd climb in. Then something on TV would catch my attention and I'd get stuck. Or I'd stop and bring my laptop in there and sit in the chair and play on it. And then I'd try to feed her. And then I'd change her. And before you knew it the day was over and my house was a wreck. But now it's clean....

So that's been this week and my emotions and thoughts and feelings. It's different. There's a relief and a heaviness. A rightness and a strangeness about it all. I can't explain it. It's just different.

But at the same time I'm excited for this year. What the Lord is going to do. I'm starting to feel the anticipation. Something is stirring. And I'm excited.

" Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me"

2012-01-10T23:16:00.001-05:00

You can mentally prepare all you want- but the despair crept in anyway tonight.

Today was perfect. Other than a morning of clamoring to make prayer cards that turned out horrendous, finishing editing a video of pictures of grandmom's life and burning it to a CD, printing recipe cards of one of grandmom's favorite recipes, and trying to shower and look somewhat presentable (oh wait, after a night of staying up till 3 in the morning helping my mom write her eulogy and trying to also write my own), other than all that- today was perfect.
The Lord just took over the entire service. My friend and favorite worship leader Rob was able to lead worship for the service, with my mom's favorite singer and friend, Kim, and it was such a sweet time to praise Jesus for all He has done. My friend Brian gave a Spirit-filled and wonderfully comforting message and powerful gospel presentation. My notes disappeared right as the service was beginning (they were later found under my brother and grandfather), but the Lord filled me with peace that He was leading me and would help me speak. It wasn't eloquent in the least, but it was real, and I believe whatever it was was what the Lord wanted. The reception was nice and my grandmom's hospice nurse showed up which was so special. My neighbor asked to come to church with our family!
Everything was perfect. My aunts on my dad's side came back to our house early and made homemade tomato sauce and sausage and when we got home our house even smelled comforting! We were able to hang out for hours and just spend time with my dad's family and watching videos of my grandmom and looking at pictures and playing games and eating food. It was perfect.

And than when everyone left I thought I'd be able to just go to sleep because I've barely slept for a week now and I'm utterly exhausted.

But...my heart began to hurt. And I started to just despair- there's no other word to describe it. And I'm not sure if it's really even about missing my grandmom. I'm not sure her being gone has even hit me yet. I'm not sure what it was- worry, anxiety, sheer panic? About the future? maybe? Just sorrow? I can't explain it- other than despair and I'm not quite certain what I was despairing over...
And I tried to distract myself by watching Chopped with my parents. But no. There's no comfort in Chopped.
And I knew the Lord said, Wait on me.
And so I've been in my room for awhile not, seeking the Comforter.
And He's been faithful. Psalm 23. Psalm 46. Isaiah 41. Isaiah 43. James 1. 1 Peter 1. Comfort.
The theme: Being still. Waiting for Him. The Promise of His leading- even if it's into great waters and trials and fire and even the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I thought I was there last week watching her die- but now I feel like I was only seeing the Shadow and not actually in the Shadow. It's dark. I feel alone. But- then the Promise--- He is with me. My hope.
And I'm having to just look on Him in faith. I feel like I'm actually looking at all I've ever said He is, and all I've proclaimed Him to be on this blog, and all that the Word says He is, and I'm having to actually step out in faith into all of these things. To take refuge in who He is- even when it feels like everything is beating down on me. To hide myself in Him.
He never promised it would be easy- but that He would be there- that when I wait on Him I "can mount up with wings like eagles" and that I could come to Him when I'm "weary and heavy laden" and find rest in Him.
There's so much He's promised that I haven't stepped into yet- and maybe some of it is because I haven't really had to.
Well, now I have to. And it takes faith to enter into it. And so I'm looking unto Jesus- the author and finisher of my faith.

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.
For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again. You also must help us by prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing granted us through the prayers of many." 2 Cor 1:3-11

Some of my Favorites...

2012-01-09T00:40:00.000-05:00

her engagement shots- that somehow ended up on display in a storefront window in Germany

Lydia and Charles

that's her mom laughing in the background

Lydia and her three girls (Charlene, Cindy, Debbie)

in the kitchen- of course

As stunningly beautiful as she is in these pictures- the ones that are most beautiful and special to me will always be her with pure white hair, big brown eyes, and her those lines that were etched into her face from laughing and being in the sun and living life

Her obituary was in the paper today: http://www.phillyburbs.com/obituaries/courier_times/lydia-roach/article_50bf429f-894e-5e62-a085-ec6491ab60f5.html

So Thankful.

2012-01-07T09:03:00.001-05:00

I thought waking up this morning would really be the hardest. Going to bed last night and imaging not waking up to anyone was just such a strange concept to me. But even now I honestly believe the prayers of the saints are carrying me. I'm crying this morning. But it's not because I'm depressed or full of sorrow about grandmom. I'm just overwhelmed at the revelation of what so many people have meant to me family on this journey. Looking at facebook comments and reading texts. It's been just a million little things the last four years that the Lord has used to keep me going. And then trying to write a couple facebook comments back- already got me losing it. I just feel so small in the middle of it all.
Like, how could I honestly even believe that I've done anything these last few years- when now I'm realizing each and every day it was the Lord. It was the Lord- and He used the people around me. My friends that would pray for me and who would visit grandmom and me and keep me focused. Who just wanted to meet her and treated her like a human. Who cherished her wish me. Friend's parents and men and women of the church who would encourage me every time they saw me and really truly pray for me. My pastors who would let me cry in their office about life or read my blog or pray for me or friends that would send letters at just the right time. A friend who photographed and interviewed this beautiful woman. Hospice workers who loved Jesus. Random women in the nursing home who loved Jesus (and then seeing her in the ER a year later and recieving letters of encouragement). Or people who have just been through it all before- who have recieved the Lord's comfort in those situations and who the Lord then uses to comfort me.
I'm literally overwhelmed at the beauty of this work of art the Lord has been doing behind the scenes these last few years. I feel like I've honestly only been looking a the backside of the cross stich (my grandmom would love me mentioning cross-stich on this blog!)- and now I'm finally seeing the whole product for the first time! It's honestly gorgeous!
And I wish words could thank you all enough.

Home.

2012-01-07T00:57:00.000-05:00

I know I need to write this post before I go to bed on what I'm going to call the longest day of my life. I think it'll make it more real, because honestly it's just felt like a dream. My grandmom died this morning at 9am. It was suttle. We honestly didn't notice for 7 minutes after it- we thought it was just one of those long pauses between breathing they said she would have- but thankfully she never had those. It was one gasp and then she was gone. It wasn't what I imagine it would be (if you could imagine such a thing)- it was like she was still just sleeping.
And that's how it really felt, and kind of still feels.
And so I don't think it's hit yet. I'm not sure when it'll really hit.
But I'll write more later on all of this. I'm too tired for any cohesive thoughts.

I'm just thankful- for every single person whose been on this journey with my family. For all the support and prayers and love and comfort and hugs and food and cards and calls and facebook comments and memories (and I'm only talking about the last 24 hours- not the last four years in which I've been so blessed by so many).

I'm just thankful to have known my grandmom. It's been a privilege, an honor- I've been spoiled.

And more than all, I'm thankful for Jesus Christ, whose blood covers all her sins, who has clothed her in righteousness, who stands before the Father as her advocate- that she was welcomed in as a Child of the King of Kings. Restored. Whole. Full of Life. Healed.
What joy!

Nearing the Finish Line

2012-01-05T22:08:00.000-05:00

So tonight my grandmom closed her eyes. And she hasn't opened them. We've also started administering morphine. And saying goodbye. It could very well be in the next few days. Please pray for us to finish well. Thank you <3

Family

2012-01-05T13:41:00.002-05:00

My dad's side of the family is amazing. I haven't really mentioned them in this blog much 1. because they aren't related to my grandmom by blood 2. I've only really begun appreciating how special they are these last couple years...

My grandparents are Irish Catholic. They had 7 kids. My dad and mom then had 7 kids. My one aunt had 8, the rest of them gave birth to more normal size families ranging from 4-2 kids, and now those kids have started having kids. So there are at least 30 of us cousins ( i haven't counted in a few years- now it's plus in-laws, boyfriends and girlfriends).

New Years Eve we had at least 70 people in my house. I mean, my house is pretty big just because we've added a million additions- but we don't have "big rooms" or "high ceilings" and we all LOVE being in the same room, so we basically used only my part of the house for the most part. It was loud and exciting. It was also hard because my grandmom was laying in a hospital bed in her room. None of these people were her blood. It's been months since her daughters have come to see her (I don't judge- I understand people grieve differently!)

But can I tell you what a wonderful family I have? My uncle (who had a stroke when he was in his forties and leads a ministry at a nursing home) sat in her room singing to her for a little bit. As the ball was dropping I didn't want my grandmom to be alone so I went into her room and turned Dick Clark on. My aunt came in with me and we celebrated 2012 together. My cousins came in and out to say hi- even though grandma looks so thin and it's uncomfortable to see her like this- they still said "Happy New Year, Mrs. Roach"- some of them even call her grandmom.
Sometimes I need a nannysitter- I pay my cousins in food and they'll sit with her when I'm stuck. None of them will accept any money.
For her 81st birthday my cousin Casey brought her a dog balloon and chocolate.
My aunt, when she found out that grandmom wasn't doing good, wanted to come over to cut her hair and spend time with her.
My other grandmom always comes into visit her and likes to make sure that we understand what old people like when they're stuck in bed- trying to make sure she's comfortable and that we play music for her. It's sweet.
Every time I go over to visit them my grandfather asks how she's doing.
My grandmom has a family that had adopted her in. She's Grandmom to so many people who love her and care about her and treat her as one of their own and I'm blessed to call them all my family.
______________________________________________________________________________
In other news my dear friend Jarreau has started a fun, thought provoking, edifying blog about her life post- college and has a giveaway of some beautiful original art- check it out- My New beginngings

Hope

2012-01-04T00:11:00.000-05:00

Highlight of my night: Grandma puckered her lips to give me a kiss (not initiated by me). It was sweet. A touch of her. Then we had a sweet talk about all the wonderful things that will happen when she's with Jesus. I am so excited for her. And jealous. And sorrowful- but not the sorrow of this world. (oh how my heart would be so broken without hope of the Resurrection- of eternal life because of God's Great Love for us in sending His Son to be the propitiation for our sins!) I know that my grandmom's "life" on this earth is ending- but soon she will be more alive than me. It doesn't mean my heart isn't hurting...but there's still joy and comfort and peace- Thank you Lord!

My Refuge

2012-01-02T13:58:00.001-05:00

Grandmom's dying process has been so eerily similar to four years ago when my grandpop was dying. She took a turn for the worst around Thanksgiving, starting and stopping eating and drinking. It was around Thanksgiving '07 my grandpop had his massive heart attack. And from there it's just little things that are causing flashbacks. My mom cannot stand the sight of these little blue foam things on popsicle sticks that you are supposed to use to moisten her mouth. My grandpop had a breathing tube in from December till March and we'd moisten his mouth with those foam things. Since my grandmom's skin is starting to break down from lack of nutrition, I've noticed some red spots on her back- so I'm trying to be more diligent to roll her back and forth. My grandpop had ended up with massive bed sore. And so on and so on...

But this morning I'm truly thankful and full of joy. Because spiritual I am in such a different place than I was four years ago. When I came back from Bible College and was watching both of my grandparents die and I got into such a dark dark place spiritually. I stopped really seeking the Lord or reading my Bible. My heart was so full of sin and anger and bitterness. I wrote things on this blog that were so hurtful to my aunts and cousin (though I think only my cousin ever read them). It was such an ugly place spiritually. Guilt plagued me constantly. And even when my grandpop died I couldn't even speak at his funeral. I felt so bad for who I was and what I'd done.

And now, by the grace of God, He is my refuge. I don't want to waste this season. I don't want to be numb and hide from the pain. I want to hide myself in the Lord. My anchor. My refuge. My joy. He must be it all.

A verse from Psalm 46 was on my pen I've been using lately and that chapter has been such a comfort this morning:

God is our refuge and strength,

a very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way,

though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea,

3 though its waters roar and foam,

though the mountains tremble at its swelling.Selah

4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy habitation of the Most High.

5 God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved;

God will help her when morning dawns.

6 The nations rage, the kingdoms totter;

he utters his voice, the earth melts.

7 The LORD of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.Selah

8 Come, behold the works of the LORD,

how he has brought desolations on the earth.

9 He makes wars cease to the end of the earth;

he breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the chariots with fire.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations,

I will be exalted in the earth!”

11 The LORD of hosts is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah.

And yes, I'm so thankful He's the God of Jacob. Cause I've been Jacob. He was a mess. Up and down and failing. Trying to do things his own way and messing it up. Yeah. That's me. And yet the Lord is His God. He's a God of Jacobs like me. A fortress for us. So thankful.

i love Jon Foreman. This song. This life is so quick. Our lives are literally but a vapor. I want to learn to die- considering how my life is already dead- who I was, and my life is now hid in Christ. "I have been crucified with Christ, it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me, and the life that I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me" Gal 2:20

Anticipation

2012-01-02T00:42:00.000-05:00

Well, where did we leave off? Christmas was fine. Quiet, like we wanted, which was good. It didn't really feel like Christmas, but it was a pretty chill couple days. Christmas morning I was a little emotional. My family was considering not bringing grandmom down for unwrapping presents. I cried. They brought her down. She had a nice time, not very talkative, but was pretty alert for the morning.
And Christmas was also the last time she had eaten this week. She had maybe a couple scoops of oatmeal and juice on Monday or Tuesday but that was it. She covers her mouth cause she doesn't want to eat.
The Doctor came on Friday and said that in the end the endorphins kick in and they aren't really hungry anymore. He basically said she can stay on hospice cause she's on her way out.
For the most part we've taken it a day at a time. "Did grandmom eat today?" No. "Did grandmom go to the bathroom today?" No.

I never really thought I'd want to go to change her and just want a wet diaper.

I came home from church tonight to my poor mom snuggling her mommy in bed. Grandmom's eyes were hazel/green and unfocused. They're usually brown. Her skin is getting saggy from dehydration. I can feel her cheek bones and see her vertebrae and her skin on her face is starting to breakdown.
Death. It's so wierd.

She finally let me drop some egg nog in her mouth with a little dropper tonight. But it was thin liquids so she started to cough/choke on it. We got some thickened juice and a little smoothie in her. Not much, but it was something.

But I was torn. Because, really, there's a part of me that doesn't want her to start eating again because I honestly don't want to have to go through this again. No more eating and not eating. No more watching her starve and not go to the bathroom. I just want it to be over.
But then of course I don't. Cause I really don't want to see her die.
I can't imagine my life without her.

But then there's things I look forward to- actually being able to go out as a family and not worry about getting a sitter. Being able to go on vacation with my family again. I don't know what it's like to just go out and not be worrying in the back of my mind about being home to feed or change someone.
And there's a million things I'll miss. If I listed them I'd cry...so I'm not going to. I'm sure I've listed some of them here on this blog before.

I just hate the anticipation of it all. I don't want to watch her suffer. I don't know what it's like to watch someone take a last breath.

And to be honest, I just can't worry. I'm going to do what I've done the last four years. Rely on the grace of God for tomorrow. It's been His grace since day one and His grace will carry me to the end.

Blessed

2011-12-23T14:46:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I'm so blessed. Thanks for everyone who is praying for us. Grandmom's had a very good couple days- eating well and drinking well again. She even sang "O tennanbaum" today! It's the little things! She's been very talkative and alert. The only worry right now is she really hasn't been peeing regularly, which may be because she barely ate or drank for a week, but she's drunk a good amount the last couple days and barely went the last couple days. So we'll see- but as of right now, Lord willing, she'll be doing okay and even good for Christmas. So I'm very thankful.

In other news, my grandmom got a 2nd Zebra Finch for Christmas from my mom, and I think this one is a female...baby zebra finches? uh oh.... Also, she's speaking, and I asked her what she wanted to name them and she said "Jim and Alice" (my grandpop's dead sister and brother-in-law!) which was super random.

Our cat has also planted itself in grandmom's room recently, which is different... We're kinda nervous cause we've heard of a nursing home where they have this cat that plants itself in rooms of patients who are dying because it just can sense that they are going...but the cat could also just really like grandmom and the zebra finches!

Anyway, it really doesn't feel like Christmas is coming- but it is and hopefully it'll be a nice quiet (as quiet as my family could possibly be!) holiday. The Lord is so good to me and my family.

The Girl who cried "Death"

2011-12-19T12:49:00.004-05:00

I feel like a broken record. The last three Christmases claiming they could be my grandmom's last. We just don't know if she'll make it another year, I'd say. Christmas 07 I sat in a hospital watching both of my grandparents dying. During that time I was filling in at my church cleaning for my mom a lot, and there was a luncheon for the teachers and staff for Christmas. They had a bunch of fake Christmas trees, and gave one for me to take to my grandmom (because she was actually awake- though insane, whereas my grandfather was in a coma). Grandmom told me to get it out of here, very adamantly. I took it to my grandpop instead and sat it in his room. His last Christmas tree.

My sister and I visited her on Christmas. We played Christmas charades and sang "O Tennanbaum."
My grandmom survived that Christmas and miraculously came home in January, and began walking, talking, singing, laughing, and was back to her old crazy self- healthy- but demented.

Since then Grandma and I have celebrated every Christmas, getting ourselves a tree, making a happy little home in our part of the house.

Last Christmas, we took my grandmom over my other grandparents on Christmas Eve. She could no longer walk because of her dislocated hip. My dad carried her into their house and sat her in the recliner. We were all together eating ham sandwiches. She wanted to go home. My grandparents shared a little wine with her. We had a lovely evening. Christmas Day she was incredible. I hadn't seen her so good in forever. She knew who she was and sort of who we were and where she was. She ate prime rib. It was a beautiful day.

This Christmas: my grandmom hasn't eaten in days. Nothing more than a little glass of orange juice and a few bites of mashed up chicken pot pie. I've thrown out bowls and bowls of oatmeal and yogurt and puddings that she won't eat. She just won't open her mouth.

I decorated her room with lights and all her Christmas decorations. I got her a little potted tree and put it in her room with all her ornaments. She kind of just stares off into space.

All her little needlepoints she worked so hard on every year are on shelves and hanging on the tree- now she can't even open her hands. They're clenched up and her one fingernail is dead.
I want to sing O Tennanbaum. She doesn't speak.

I know I've said every Christmas that this would be her last. We celebrated every year like it was, trying to make it special for us and for her.
And this Christmas will be the same. We'll celebrate it like it's her last, and try to make it special for us and for her.
If you think please pray for my mom. Watching her mom not eat has been really hard for her. For some reason I feel really detached and unemotional about it- and maybe that's just the Lord's grace cause I've got to deal with it, but for my mom it's been really wearing. Please and Thanks!

christmas 09 (ignore the date on the photo...)

Christmas '10

christmas 2011

she still smiles <3

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Edit: Praise Update! I re-heated her oatmeal and some applesauce and just prayed and asked the Lord to help her eat or to please just take her home- she not only ate all of that but also drank her nutritional supplemant drink, gatorade, and then i made her some potatoes and baby food chicken and rice and she ate a little bit of that, now she's resting. What a blessing. And it was such nice news to tell my mom when she got home from work :) thanks for praying!!!

Global Media Outreach

2011-12-15T12:48:00.000-05:00

This website right here is amazing- It's a map that indicates people visiting a Global Media Outreach website and also indicates if they make a decision to accept Jesus Christ as their Saviour. It's beautiful.

Global Media Outreach is, according to their website, "a global ministry presenting the good news of Jesus Christ online 24/7. Our goal is to stay on the cutting edge of global communication technologies to share Jesus and help believers grow in their faith worldwide."

My Supply

2011-12-07T23:55:00.000-05:00

So...I deleted my facebook. So hopefully I'll be around here a little more. I'd rather pour into this and reflect on some substance than to get stuck mindlessly scrolling through facebook posts about Justin Bieber and those every annoying "tbh"'s...

Anyway, was feeling a twinge of anxiety coming on as I went to climb into bed tonight. Went to the word for some comfort and picked up Spurgeon Morning and Evening and for some reason thought it was the 8th (even though I was just at church and wrote the 12/7 on my notes)- anyway, it was Divine, because what a comfort this Evening was:

"Thou, O God, hast prepared of thy goodness for the poor." — Psalm 68:10

All God’s gifts are prepared gifts laid up in store for wants foreseen. He anticipates our needs; and out of the fulness which He has treasured up in Christ Jesus, He provides of His goodness for the poor. You may trust Him for all the necessities that can occur, for He has infallibly foreknown every one of them. He can say of us in all conditions, “I knew that thou wouldst be this and that.” A man goes a journey across the desert, and when he has made a day’s advance, and pitched his tent, he discovers that he wants many comforts and necessaries which he has not brought in his baggage. “Ah!” says he, “I did not foresee this: if I had this journey to go again, I should bring these things with me, so necessary to my comfort.” But God has marked with prescient eye all the requirements of His poor wandering children, and when those needs occur, supplies are ready. It is goodness which He has prepared for the poor in heart, goodness and goodness only. “My grace is sufficient for thee.” “As thy days, so shall thy strength be.”

Reader, is your heart heavy this evening? God knew it would be; the comfort which your heart wants is treasured in the sweet assurance of the text. You are poor and needy, but He has thought upon you, and has the exact blessing which you require in store for you. Plead the promise, believe it and obtain its fulfillment. Do you feel that you never were so consciously vile as you are now? Behold, the crimson fountain is open still, with all its former efficacy, to wash your sin away. Never shall you come into such a position that Christ cannot aid you. No pinch shall ever arrive in your spiritual affairs in which Jesus Christ shall not be equal to the emergency, for your history has all been foreknown and provided for in Jesus.

Anyway, I'm thankful for a God who knows my needs and can supply each and every one of them. He knew I'd lay down with a heavy heart, and He knew I'd pick up Spurgeon and read the wrong evening and recieve exactly what He has for me. Thank you Lord for going before me this evening and paving the way...

Conviction

2011-12-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

Some things convicting me lately:

A recent post from my church's Sr High Youth Group's blog:

Introspection…

Here are 25 killer questions one brother in Christ would ask himself regularly. I hope they are as challenging and convicting to you as they are to me!

1) Am I consciously or unconsciously creating the impression that I am a better person than I am? Am I a hypocrite?

2) Am I a slave to dress, friends, work, or habits?

3) Am I honest in all my acts and words, or do I exaggerate?

4) Can I be trusted?

5) Do I confidentially pass on to another what was told to me in confidence?

6) Am I self-conscious, self-pitying, or self-justifying?

7) Did the Bible live to me today?

8) Do I give the Bible time to speak to me everyday?

9) Am I enjoying prayer?

10) When did I last to speak with somebody else with the intention to win them to Christ?

11) Am I making contacts with other people and using them for the Master’s glory?

12) Do I pray about the money I spend?

13) Do I get to bed in time and get up in time?

14) Do I willingly or unwillingly disobey God in anything?

15) Do I insist upon doing something about which my conscience is uneasy?

16) Am I defeated in any part of my life: jealous, impure, critical, irritable, touchy, distrustful, or complaining?

17) How do I spend my spare time?

18) Am I proud?

19) Is there anybody whom I fear, dislike, disown, criticize, hold resentment toward, or disregard? If so what am I doing about it?

20) Do I grumble or complain constantly?

21) How have I responded to buffeting or trials?

22) When was the last time I sat down with the main goal to simply thank or praise my Savior?

23) When I have a problem do I use my tongue or my knees?

24) Is there anyone I fear, dislike, criticize, or resent? If so, what am I doing about it?

25) Is Christ real to me?

This Wednesday night message on 2 Chronicles 15-16 about King Asa not relying on the Lord, but relying on his flesh. Though he had great victories early on in his life when he relied on the Lord, He didn't head the warning of the Lord, and in the end of his life relied on himself, his own resources, and it still looked like he was succeeding. But his stubborness, pride, and self reliance darkened the end of his life. He may have never turned to idols, but he still failed to seek the Lord. And its so sad because " the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth to give support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him" (16:9)

Proverbs 13:4 "The soul of the sluggard craves and gets nothing, while the soul of the diligent is richly supplied. "

A Breath of Fresh Air

2011-11-08T00:52:00.000-05:00

So my grandma's got some cold/cough/wheezy issue she's been dealing with the last couple days.
Well anyway, I just heard on the news that :
1. new research shows tylenol can make people with ashtma have issues
2. new research shows air freshners cause people with ashtma to have issues
I think my caregiving life is just a lose-lose situation. Tylenol= helps with pain, arthritis. Tylenol= asthma. Air freshners= air free of poopy diaper smell. Air freshener= ashtma.
Great.
Caregiver Fail.

In other news this verse really is a breath of fresh air: check it out- "And we know that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know Him who is true; and we are in Him who is true, in His Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life." 1 John 5:20 Wow.

Book Review

2011-11-01T10:51:00.000-04:00

So anyway I noticed one day that my grandmom still reads. Like, she'll be watching tv and sometimes you'd hear her say a word and be like, where'd she get that word? She doesn't really speak much these days so in my search to grasp some sanity from her words I discovered she was reading them off tv. (i.e. today it was Law because she saw a Lundy Law commercial.) So I tried to do some research on Alzheimers/ dementia and reading. Like, is that some key to unlock the mind? Hey, you never know? Anyway, there wasn't much I found but I did find this book. Apparently, reading it with your memory challenged loved one can help bring some of them out...

Well, anyway, I ordered it and got it yesterday. And we read it together. And she seemed to enjoy it, but I didn't find her coming out of her abyss of nothingness. Anyway, this morning she woke up talking about nothing but Goulash. Yes, Goulash.

As in the stewed meat of some European countries.

She used to always make us Goulash and Spaetzle.

And She couldn't stop talking about going to the store to buy meat for her Goulash, and corn and potatoes.

And other things.

Its nice to hear her talk, some sense. Some semblance of who she once was.

Anyway, not sure if that's exactly what the book is supposed to do but it was nice anyway. So I guess I'll give it 5 stars ;)

Facebook Discovery

2011-10-27T13:57:00.001-04:00

I just discovered I could share videos from facebook on here...And if this is a chronicle of grandmom and my life, I feel the need to post probably the greatest video of my grandmom's existense. I love her and as nice as it is that's she chill not, quietly lies in bed all day, and never tries to run away (cause she can't)- I seriously miss this-

She was on prednisone. It made her hyper.
She's my favorite.
Here's some other one's that are super precious

The Body

2011-10-12T23:44:00.000-04:00

I serve a really really incredible God. Like, the more I know about Him, the more I love Him. Who He is, His character and attributes are so incredible.
But the thing that blows my mind the most is always His love for weak vessels. If you've been in the church for any amount of time, you've probably noticed that in the Body of Christ there are a lot of people who are saved with mental illness, social ineptness, aren't beautiful by the world's standards, and the list could go on to describe that the world would deam "unworthy" of their time or attention (and sometimes, even unworthy to live). And I'm not saying I'm above any of this- I told my parents I needed a psychiatrist when I was in 3rd grade. I'm the weakest vessel there probably is out there!
But seriously, there are people who have true issues, who are saved and blood bought. And God is so gracious as to save any of us, but what kind of a God goes out of His way to send His Son to earth to save people who can offer Him nothing (by the world's standards of things)? I know i've written on this a lot here because of how God has just blown my mind with saving my grandmom in her old age, frailty of mind and all. But I can't stop meditating on this part of God's character.
And this past weekend I was reading in 1 Corinthians 12:21-26

"The eye cannot say to the hand, “I have no need of you,” nor again the head to the feet, “I have no need of you.” On the contrary, the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and on those parts of the body that we think less honorable we bestow the greater honor, and our unpresentable parts are treated with greater modesty, which our more presentable parts do not require. But God has so composed the body, giving greater honor to the part that lacked it, that there may be no division in the body, but that the members may have the same care for one another. If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together."

"the parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indespensable"
Woah. Not only does God save "weaker" people, but in His awesomeness- He has made them indespensable to our body. Wow.
That is an incredible God. He doesn't just use the beautiful? The smart? The funny? The ones who can speak? The ones who have full use of their bodily functions? The ones with full use of their mind? He actually has made these "weaker" vessels part of the Body and somehow has made us need them.
I love God.
Seriously, our world does not think like this? I've only begun even somewhat thinking this way the last couple years. Lord, please continue to renew my mind and get that old way of thinking out. That when I see the weaker vessels in the body, when thier "inadequacies" frustrate me, oh that I would look with Your eyes, Your love, Your heart toward them! That I would see my need for them!

The Lord is moving. And I truly believe whatever it is He is doing, He is doing it in the Body. Ephesians has been blowing my mind lately:

"For through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens, but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus Himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit."- Ephesians 2:18-22

God in us? God dwelling in us? I think there's a reality of what I have In Christ that I haven't grasped yet, and I know that it's something the Lord wants to reveal to me as I seek Him on my knees. And there's a "building together" that He wants to do and something He wants to work in us together.
All of us, the "stronger" alongside the "weaker"- because, honestly, it's only In Christ that any of us are anything. Our own righteousness is filthy rags. The genius would burn alongside the down syndrome child if God had not made a way for us to be saved.

Anyway, I'm learning to really appreciate the weaker members of the Body. And, no, I will not pretend that sometimes it's still not hard to love those who (in the world's standards of things) can offer me nothing. But honestly, the more I'm around, and challenged, and transformed by interacting with these members of the Body, the more blessed I am and I'm honesly grateful for them.
And yes, they stir me up to praise a Great God like ours who sent His son that "whosoever believeth in Him would not perish but have everlasting life" John 3:16.

Sensing a theme?

2011-09-26T14:33:00.002-04:00

Yeah, another post about faith. Sorry, its everywhere! And well, i think that's a good thing since we're called to a life of faith...

my friend sara got me that mug for my birthday and i haven't been able to stop thinking about that verse all day

Galation 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me"
Thoughts: Since my life has died with Christ, my life is no longer dependent on who I am or on what I can do int he flesh. It is dependent on who Jesus is and what He can do. (And how sweet the added part describing part of who He is that I am putting my faith in -"who loved me and gave Himself for me"!!! If there's an doubt in whether I can trust Him- doesn't that verse just diminish every worry. Who better to fully rely, depend, trust in than the One "who loved me and gave Himself for me")

I want to live a life of faith. A life not based on my weakness, on my failure, on my limitations but on Jesus' strength, faithfulness, power, might- a life based on His love- for me- and His love for others.
My love for others should never be dependent on my love for them- but on Jesus' love for them which is limitless, totally selfless, totally perfect.
A life not based on my righteousness, but on His righteousness.
"Nothing but 'full assurance of faith' on the precious blood shed for you on Calvary can give you this boldness" [speaking about the boldness in desiring that God's eyes always be upon you and to search you through and through] -Susannah Spurgeon It takes faith to be that vulnerable and we all know how i struggle with that.

I've reread a biography many times on a man named Bruce Olsen (called Bruchko). He was a missionary in South America to an unreached tribe who had never heard the gospel/has a Bible in their language. He was trying to explain concepts like "faith" and "incarnation" in their language. The picture/way he described faith to his friend was the same word for "suspending your hammock strings." In the communal home you would tie up your hammock in a high rafter and trust that that rafter would hold you up. When Bruce first came to live in the communal home, he asked his friend if he could somehow sleep in his hammock with one foot on the floor because he didn't trust it to hold him up. His friend laughed and told him he would need to 'suspend his hammock strings' and that was what Bruce ended up telling his friend he would have to do in Jesus.
I've always loved that picture- to fully rely on Him, to fully trust in Him, to fully "suspend" myself in Him. He's able to hold me up. To put all my stake in Him. To risk all in Him. Not having any reliance in myself and my ability. In my righteousness. In my love. In my faithfulness. In my understanding. God told us not to rely on our our own understanding! But in all my ways to acknowledge Him! I put my faith in Christ for my salvation, should I not also put my faith in Him for this life? On how to live this life. On how to bring Him glory.

I could sit here for hours and list to you all the very legitimate reasons I can not bring God glory in my life. All my faults. All my inadequacies. Why he cannot possible use my life.
And then I could also sit here for hours and list to you about an Almighty God who is able move mountains, bring water from rocks, make donkeys speak, and the list goes on and on and on (I know there is a book with 66 chapters that will tell you all about it), and when I put my faith in that God, than I'm excited and anticipating what He is going to do to bring Himself glory.

That picture of water from a rock is a theme that has come up over and over in my daily Bible reading. I know Jesus Christ is that rock in the Old testament. But I also think the Lord is showing me through it that He loves to do "impossible things." Water doesn't come from a rock. Especially a rock in the middle of the wilderness. But it did. It's impossible for my life to bring forth anything in myself. Honestly, I am the worst person ever. But when "it is not longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me"- than praise Him- "He that believeth on Me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water." John 7:38

I'm excited for this life of faith. Be magnified, O Lord.

"My hope lives not because I am a sinner, but because I am a sinner for whom christ died; my trust is not that I am holy, but that being unholy He is my righteousness. My faith rests not upon what I am, or shall be, or feel, or know, but in what Christ is, in what He has done, and in what He is now doing for me" C.H Spurgeon Morning and Evening Sept 25th

Pastor Youcef Nadarkhani

2011-09-23T22:49:00.000-04:00

I mentioned this man about a year ago, you can find his full story at this website:
http://presenttruthmn.com/the-ministry/youcef-nadarkhani/

To sum it up- he's a pastor from Iran who is facing the death sentence for apostasy (changing religions from Islam to Christianity). He's been imprisoned since October 2009. He has a wife and two sons (7 and 9).
He's up for re-examination on the 25th (in Iran, but in America it'll be the 24th).
So would you please pray for our brother tomorrow- Hebrews 13:3 "Remember those who are in prison, as though in prison with them, and those who are mistreated, since you also are in the body."

One day I'll write my own thoughts...

2011-09-21T13:30:00.000-04:00

until then I'll continue to steal others!
hey, can you blame me- maybe one day after years of walking with Jesus, going through the fire, and coming out as gold, I'll have something maybe near Susannah Spurgeon worthy to say, but until then:

God's Beauty upon His People

Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us

(Psalm 90:17)

When I read these wonderful words, this morning there came to me, quick as lightning flash, the solemn question, 'Soul, is this beauty now resting on you and on all your daily life? Alas! there was no reply by speech or voice, but a bowed head, and silent lips, and the inward sighing of a convicted yet penitent heart, gave the only possible answer.

Then I sat down before the Lord, wondering and ashamed, and the multitude of my thoughts within me took the following form and fashion: father, you know that I covet earnestly the loveliness of sanctification and would gladly obey your command to be holy; and if longings after complete surrender to you would avail to secure this special grace, I should possess it. What is it that so constantly defeats my purpose, and foils my efforts, and prevents the fulfillment of my most devout desire?

Dear Master, if your will concerning me be my sanctification, why is that will not done more absolutely in me? Can it be that I am unconsciously cherishing something in my hear that hinders the work of your Holy Spirit, and so the blessing you have desired for me does not reach me, because the way is barred by a will not wholly yielded to yours? Or have I been satisfying myself with mere empty desires after conformity to Christ, indulging in poor feeble longings in which there was so much half- heartedness that the Spirit of God was grieved, and would not reveal His power?

O Lord, pity me, and pardon me! Awaken my soul to an earnest sense of the solemn responsibility involved in belonging to you, and bearing your name! Rouse in me, Lrd, a joyful eagerness to become all that you wish me to be! Fill me with that mighty influence which words in us 'both to will and to do' of your good pleasure! Yes, chasten and afflict me, Lord, if nothing else will serve to make me a partaker of your holiness!

Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us. Dear Father, I must have this blessing. Help me to pray the marvelous prayer intelligently, remembering at what an awful cost you have secured to me an answer and glorifying you for the matchless love which makes me-

with His spotless vesture on,

Holy as the Holy one

What has God done! I can see, only to plainly, the ugliness and deformity which sin has worked in my nature, and the havoc it has made among all the creatures God has formed for Himself. If it had not been for this deadly thing, we should have borne 'the image of God' even now. Does the lily please for its whiteness, or the tree for its lovely foliage, or the sun for his splendor? No, they are as God made them; they have kept their first estate, and are still 'very good'; but man, sinful man, has fallen and he who was made in the likeness of God is defaced and disfigured by the evil within.

Ah! Dear Lord, when you give us a sight of our own evil heart, we are overwhelmed with horror, and should soon be driven to despair, if only you did not at once turn our eyes to that wondrous hill of Calvary, where One 'altogether lovely' made the great atonement which brought us back to you! That precious blood which cleanses us form all sin restores to us the beauty which sin had forfeited; its royal purple not only covers our disfigurement, but removes it, and bestows upon us the beauty which the Lord looks on with pleasure.

Oh my soul, do you not desire above all things that this 'beauty of holiness' may be your glorious dress? Then you must keep very close to the Master, shutting the door of your heart to every evil thing, and opening it wide to the incoming of His Holy Spirit, who, in revealing Christ to you, will make you like him.

An old fable tells how a piece of common clay became sweetly scented by close contact with a rose; the fable will be a happy face in your experience if the Rose of Sharon blooms in your heart, and sheds its fragrance around your life. 'Thine eyes shall see the King in all His beauty,' yes, may God grant it; but the condition is thus expressed- 'Holiness, without which no man can see the Lord'.

Everlasting praises be the the Well-beloved of our soul that his perfect righteousness covers us now, and that in the day when he shall bring us home to 'his Father's house', we shall be 'presented faultless before the Presence of His glory with exceeding joy'!

Have I convinced you yet to buy her morning devotional Free Grace and Dying Love yet???

The Fetters of Unbelief

2011-09-16T13:22:00.000-04:00

"Why could not we cast him out? Jesus said unto them, 'Because of your unbelief'" (Matt. 17:19-20)

"Dear Lord, behold, another poor failing disciple comes to you, this morning, with the same pitiful question! I have tried to live for You, and work for You- with honest purpose endeavoring to bless others in Your name, yet, how notable and frequent have been my failures!

Lord, why could I not overcome the sin which so easily beset me? Why could I not check the sharp word on my tongue, and subdue the fierce risings of anger in my heart? Why can I not always walk so near to You that my whole life may be under Your sweet control, and every thought, and deed, and word, be sanctified by Your consent and approval? Why have I not the power to influence and draw others to Your dear feet, that they may find in You, as I have done, 'a very present help in trouble'?

Lord, I know your answer to me will be the same as that to Your first disciples. Sadly and sorrowfully You say, 'Because of your unbelief.'

What a humbling revelation these words convey! My soul, it is but a little while since you rang the joy-bells or faith triumphantly! Has your right hand already lost its skill? Has the wicked unbelief, still lingering within you stopped the glorious music your faith was making, and turned the happy assertion of 'How shall he not!' into the faithless, whining question of 'How shall he?' Satan has taunted you with your unworthiness. But do you think your demerit could hold back the hand from blessing which gave 'His only-begotten Son', or overturn the covenant of grace of which He was made 'Surety' in the days of old? Lord, it is too true that my faith is often bound by the fetters of unbelief, and her wings are clipped, so that she can only painfully attempt to fly heavenward. I know this is the secret cause of many an unanswered prayer, many a failure of service and in holy living.

Now I bring myself to You, as much in need of spiritual healing as the poor lunatic boy had of deliverance from demonic possession. Cast out every evil thing, Lord, and manifest in me 'what is the exceeding greatness of Thy power to us-ward who believe'. You are the Author and Giver of faith; endue me abundantly with this living grace, banish all doubt and mistrust from my heart, that faith may be always rejoicing, always conquering, always bringing glory to You! 'Lord, I believe; help Thou mine unbelief!' "

Susannah Spurgeon
Morning Devotions Free Grace and Dying Love

Grandmom's Bird

2011-09-13T15:23:00.000-04:00

I bought my grandmom a little Zebra Finch. She loves it.

she loves it i promise- she just looks unhappy here!

Quotes about faith, rest, the Love of God and other things

2011-09-13T15:14:00.000-04:00

" When you hear this you might say, 'Yes, I can see, but my faith isn't big enough.' However, this is not the time to reflect on your faith. You should look at the Lord.
Once I was waiting at a very primitive bridge in New Zealand. We were traveling by car, but we didn't dare to cross. First, one of the men in the car went to investigate if the bridge was strong enough. It appeared to be strong enough, even though it was very primitive and we crossed without a problem. This man was not investigating our trust in the bridge.
Very often, we tend to look a our faith, and we know our big and strong, or weak and small. BUt we shouldn't investigate our faith; we should investigate the Bridge. We should not rely on ourselves, but on Him. And when we look to Jesus, we know that He is strong."- Corrie ten Boom, I Stand at the Door and Knock.

"How then to have our faith increased? Only by thinking of all that Jesus is, and all He is for us: His life, His death, His work, He Himself as revealed to us in the Word, to be the subject of our constant thoughts. Not a striving to have faith, or to increase our faith, but a looking off the the Faithful One, seems all we need, a resting in the Loved One entirely, for time and for eternity."- John McCarthy in a letter to Hudson Taylor

"Faith, I now see, is the 'substance of things hoped for,' and mere shadow. It is not less than sight, but more. Sight only shows the outward form of things; faith gives the substance. You can rest on substance, feed on substance. Christ dwelling in the heart by faith (ie His word of promise credited) is power indeed, is life indeed. And Christ and sin will not dwell together, nor can we have His presence with love of the world, or carefulness about many things."

"'if we believe, He abideth faithful.' I looked to Jesus and saw (and when I saw, oh how the joy flowed!) that He had said, 'I will never leave you or forsake you!' Ah, there is rest! I thought, I have striven in vain to rest in Him. I'll strive no more, For has He not promised to abide with me never to leave me, never to fail me?"

" As I thought of the vine and the branches what light the blessed Spirit poured into my soul! How great seemed my mistake in having wished to get the fullness out of Him. I saw now only that Jesus would never leave me, but that I was a member of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. The vine, I now see, is not the root merely, but all- root, stem, branches, twigs, leaves, flowers, fruit: And Jesus is not only that: He is oil and sunshine, air and showers and ten thousand time more than we have ever dreamed, wished for or needed. Oh, the joy of this truth!"

"It is a wonderful thing to be really one with a risen and exalted Savior; to be a member of Christ! thing what is involves...
The sweetest part, if one may speak or one part being sweeter than another, is the rest which full identification with christ brings. I am no longer anxious about anything, as I realize this: for He, I know if able to carry out His will, and His will is mine"

- J Hudson Taylor

"Our Lord makes a disciple His own possession, He becomes responsible for Him. 'Ye shall be my witnesses unto Me.' The Spirit that comes in is not doing anything for Jesus, but of being a perfect delight to Him. The secret of the missionary is- I am His and He is carrying out His enterprises through me.
Be entirely His."
- Oswald Chambers

He who believes in Me . . . out of his heart will flow rivers of living water —John 7:38

"A river reaches places which its source never knows. And Jesus said that, if we have received His fullness, “rivers of living water” will flow out of us, reaching in blessing even “to the end of the earth” (Acts 1:8) regardless of how small the visible effects of our lives may appear to be. We have nothing to do with the outflow— “This is the work of God, that you believe. . .” (John 6:29). God rarely allows a person to see how great a blessing he is to others.

A river is victoriously persistent, overcoming all barriers. For a while it goes steadily on its course, but then comes to an obstacle. And for a while it is blocked, yet it soon makes a pathway around the obstacle. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, only later to emerge again even broader and greater than ever. Do you see God using the lives of others, but an obstacle has come into your life and you do not seem to be of any use to God? Then keep paying attention to the Source, and God will either take you around the obstacle or remove it. The river of the Spirit of God overcomes all obstacles. Never focus your eyes on the obstacle or the difficulty. The obstacle will be a matter of total indifference to the river that will flow steadily through you if you will simply remember to stay focused on the Source. Never allow anything to come between you and Jesus Christ— not emotion nor experience— nothing must keep you from the one great sovereign Source.

Think of the healing and far-reaching rivers developing and nourishing themselves in our souls! God has been opening up wonderful truths to our minds, and every point He has opened up is another indication of the wider power of the river that He will flow through us. If you believe in Jesus, you will find that God has developed and nourished in you mighty, rushing rivers of blessing for others." -Oswald Chambers

"'And God, even our Father.' Lord, help me to realize all that this wonderful relationship means to me! As your child, I may claim all that your have promised to give, and if I am living and acting as your child- dwelling with your, loving you, and obeying you, I shall assuredly find that your Father-love is ready to grant every reasonable desire of my heart. dear Lord, when I see, as I often do, some earthly fathers, whose love for their little ones is intense, forbearing, and unspeakably tender, how much greater yours must be! I feel ashamed that I do not better understand the love of your heart toward me, your child through faith in Christ Jesus. How much greater is that love? I cannot work out a sum, Lord; but I know if must be infinitely greater, closer, and dearer, because you are the infinite God, and your love is 'from everlasting'. Oh, that I may have the spirit of a child when I draw near to you!

"What little one if afraid to run to a loving father, and ask for all it wants? Never a doubt rises in a child's mind as to the supply of all his needs, and the direction of all that concerns Him. The child has positively no care for the present, no thought for tomorrow, no fears for the past. Father knows everything. Father can do everything. Father provides everything. In fact, Father loves.

'Which hath loves us.' Oh my soul, can you for a moment imagine what is would be a of joy and rest, and peace to live out day by day such a child-life in the love of the Father? He knows you altogether. He understand all your individual peculiarities, sees your weakness and sinfulness, your sore temptations, perplexities, and daily shortcomings; but He loves you notwithstanding all, not for any merit or worthiness in your, but because your are His child." - Susannah Spurgeon

Faith

2011-08-29T15:13:00.000-04:00

The Unsurpassed Intimacy of Tested Faith

Jesus said to her, ’Did I not say to you that if you would believe you would see the glory of God?’ —John 11:40

Every time you venture out in your life of faith, you will find something in your circumstances that, from a commonsense standpoint, will flatly contradict your faith. But common sense is not faith, and faith is not common sense. In fact, they are as different as the natural life and the spiritual. Can you trust Jesus Christ where your common sense cannot trust Him? Can you venture out with courage on the words of Jesus Christ, while the realities of your commonsense life continue to shout, “It’s all a lie”? When you are on the mountaintop, it’s easy to say, “Oh yes, I believe God can do it,” but you have to come down from the mountain to the demon-possessed valley and face the realities that scoff at your Mount-of-Transfiguration belief (see Luke 9:28-42). Every time my theology becomes clear to my own mind, I encounter something that contradicts it. As soon as I say, “I believe ’God shall supply all [my] need,’ ” the testing of my faith begins (Philippians 4:19). When my strength runs dry and my vision is blinded, will I endure this trial of my faith victoriously or will I turn back in defeat?

Faith must be tested, because it can only become your intimate possession through conflict. What is challenging your faith right now? The test will either prove your faith right, or it will kill it. Jesus said, “Blessed is he who is not offended because of Me” Matthew 11:6). The ultimate thing is confidence in Jesus. “We have become partakers of Christ if we hold the beginning of our confidence steadfast to the end . . .” (Hebrews 3:14). Believe steadfastly on Him and everything that challenges you will strengthen your faith. There is continual testing in the life of faith up to the point of our physical death, which is the last great test. Faith is absolute trust in God— trust that could never imagine that He would forsake us (see Hebrews 13:5-6).

Oswald Chambers My Utmost for His Highest

Yikes, am I ready for that???

Anyway, on another note- I love grandma

I never want to forget to update about her.

Really there is nothing new but she had a pretty sweet morning. We were cleaning out her closets last night because we realize we only dress her in a few things. It was weird. I wish I could still dress her up and take her to Red Lobster. But yeah, those days are over.

Grieving is weird when someone hasn't actually died yet, you know?

But anyway, I dressed her today in some clothes instead of in her nightgown. My little brother Jesse put a flower in her hair. She called him Paul (because there was "P" for Phillies on his shirt) and thought he came from Germany. She couldn't stop looking at or talking about him.

we had a photo shoot.

yeah, she looks a little frightened here

grandmom and "paul"

"Cause me to hear Thy loving kindness in the morning; for in Thee do I trust" (Psalm 143:8)

2011-08-26T13:48:00.000-04:00

" The ears of my soul are stopped fast, Lord, until You open them. I am deaf, and cannot hear the music of the mercies which are singing around me, like sweet choristers from heaven.

'Cause me to hear.' As You opened the eyes of Elisha's servant, to see You armies of defense and protection for Your prophet, so unclose my ears that the tones of Your still small voice may penetrate to my heart, and thrill it with exceeding joy; or, if I am too deafened by the roar and rush of earth's turmoil and distress, speak more loudly to me, Lord, 'Cause me to hear', lest I should miss the unspeakable privilege of listening to You.

'Thy loving-kindness.' Lord, what unutterable depths of compassion are covered by those two words! Your 'kindness' would be an undeserved mercy; but Your 'loving-kindness' is a miracle of divine condescension and pity. You not only rescue, You embrace; You not only pardon, You espouse; and the robe of Your righteousness, which is wrapped about Your redeemed ones is lined with the soft ermine of your tender mercies. And this for me, Lord, so vile, so unworthy, so often ungrateful and forgetful! What can I say to you for this?

'in the morning'. When all around are sleeping, Lord, waken my heart with Your tender call, uplift my spirit into true fellowship with You. early hours with my God will sanctify the whole day. In my quite time with You, Feather, so fill my soul with the sweet sounds of redeeming grace and pardoning love that, through all the succeeding hours, there may be melody within, and joy too deep and real to be disturbed or broken by any of earth's jarring discords.

'For in Thee do I trust." You know this is true, Lord. My soul rests in You; it lies down on the sure promises of Your Word, and has sweet content. Yea, though this prayer, this desire of my heart to hear Your voice, be not granted today, and you should be silent toward me for a while, it will be but Your way of drawing me closer to You that, in tenderest whispers, You may tell me, 'I have loved thee with an everlasting love.'"

Susannah Spurgeon's meditations on Psalm 143:8 from her devotional Free Grace and Dying Love

"As the Father has loved Me, so have I loved you. Abide in my Love"

2011-08-23T12:04:00.002-04:00

John 15:9

I love my grandmom. The Lord has been so gracious to give me her in season. He knows I need visual, tangible things to learn His love. Because He formed me in my mother's womb and knows every hair on my head...He knows how to teach me.
Anyway, I was thinking about how much I love my grandmom. How I just love being with her. How, as annoying sometimes it is to wake up to a poopy diaper, how its honestly not a big deal, because I love her. And sometimes I love just laying next to her in bed, just cause she's there. And sometimes I love to curl her hair and put make up on her because I know she really loves it- even though she doesn't talk anymore. And I feel compassion for her when she's hurting, when she has a giant infection oozing off her face. I feel compassion for her when she can't open her hands. And I would love to help her and fix her up. But I can't.
And my love for her really isn't dependent on her doing anything. Cause honestly, she just lays in bed all day. She sleeps alot. She doesn't really talk. She sometimes mumbles things. Every so often we get moments of loveliness where she says "oatmeal" or I'll be singing "you are my sunshine" and she says the word "grey" at the right part of the song. And I get so excited that I try to bring my cousin in to appreciate it...and she doesn't because this is the first time she's seen her grandmom in a year and its just not the same. Because an 81 year old woman saying "grey" isn't that exciting for most people.
But I love my grandmom.
And my love for her is really imperfect.
I'm confined to this lazy body of flesh where I oversleep and don't get to caring for her perfectly. And sometimes I'm busy running off to church and stuff so my mom has to feed her. I can't be home 24/7. I don't stay up all night for her.
And sometimes I'm moody. Sometimes I just don't feel like it. And I get annoyed. Sometimes I'm impatient and selfish.

But God loves perfectly.
He never sleeps or grows weary.
He has all power to heal, to bind up the broken, to comfort. His power is unlimited. omnipotent.
He's omnipresent.
He's omniscient- He knows the needs I don't even know I have.

His love for my grandmom is totally perfect- entirely independent of anything she does. He saved her though all she can do for Him is lay in bed all day.
My grandmom will never lead a small group.
She will never serve soup to the homeless.
She'll never go to Sunday night prayer.
She can't even read her Bible.
But God still loves her. He still saved her.
And His love for her is entirely equal to His love for me. So that means that His love for me is entirely independent of what I can do for Him.
What freedom.
And not freedom to sin.
Freedom to be loved. Completely. Entirely. Freely.
Jesus' love for me is entirely dependent on the Father's love for Him. That's how He's loved me. All I'm called to do is abide in that love. For my whole life to flow out of that. The Father loved the Son so much. They were One. For all eternity. And the Son left glory. The Son left glory...

"What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;

we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:31-39

And I'm still learning. Learning to abide. To rest. To Be still. I still struggle. I still have moments where I feel like I'm just drowning. But I'm in the process. And He's a gentle gardener. A Good Shepherd.

The Lord is My Shepherd

2011-08-20T01:24:00.005-04:00

well. God answers prayer. And I really love that about Him, you know, but then I think I might really have to start thinking about what I pray before I pray it, right?
Like, I say these prayers that I think are nice and simple- like, "make me completely dependent on you, Lord" and sometimes I go a little more radical "Lord, shake the things that need to be shaken in my life, that I would only have my foundation in you"...and then, go figure, He goes and does it?

So it's been the craziest couple weeks in my life thus far. And this is coming from a girl whose been to Africa, went to Bible college in England, and did a summer in Europe.

I didn't realize quitting sr high would open up such a crazy can of worms that is the insanity that is my mind and heart. But its been worth it all.

You see, I quit sr high last Saturday/Sunday, went to prayer Sunday night where the Lord truly ministered to my heart and confirmed I was in His will, went to College and Career Monday and really felt such confirmation that yes- I am supposed to be there. Tuesday night Girl's study confirms it more. And Wednesday night (my first night of no sr high so I went into the sanctuary) confirmed it even more as Pastor Joe taught on David's heart to build the temple and how it wasn't for him to do. Thursday night I met and prayed with my friend Carli who is going through a similar situation and we were able to encourage each other...the weekend is kind of a blur of socialization and good convos, but the warfare for me went into high gear on Sunday night...

I went to Sunday night prayer and was truly blessed but I just started feeling the doubt and fear creeping in about everything. Like, could I really do this? Did I really want to do this? I've been taking care of someone from my church's mom three nights a week this summer overnight and when I went Sunday night I just had overwhelming anxiety about everything. I literally just had to put on the helmet of salvation and the breastplate of righteousness- drew my sword of the Spirit and threw out some verses- and went to bed.

Monday and Tuesday just continued in the discouragement. Whereas last Monday and Tuesday I saw so much fruit in my College and Career ministry, now I just felt dead there. What was going on??? Wasn't this where God wanted me???

It was like I'd stepped out of the boat looking at Jesus originally and was doing great- and next thing you know I noticed the waves crashing around me. The verses I read were Psalm 77

Your way was through the sea,

your path through the great waters;

yet your footprints were unseen.

2 You led your people like a flock by the hand of Moses and Aaron. (19-20)

(
looking at the rest of Psalm 77 and realizing it I read that Tuesday morning is blowing my mind! Its all so perfect for that night...how I wish I would have recalled it to my mind...)

You see, the Lord's been giving me this theme just constantly that He is my Good Shepherd. And this verse was just perfect for what I was going through- I was like, why in the world would the Lord lead me this turbulent way? But I'm safe- I just need my eyes set on my Jesus and not on what seems like the impossible walls of water surrounding me.

At this point I should mention this really isn't all about Sr High. It's what Sr High represents in my life. Everything constant. Everything I thought was stable. Everything I thought I had some right to- that it belonged to me. Everything I depended on... Everything I found sustenance in.

Was I willing for it, and everything like it, to really come crashing down?

And to really just have the Lord?

And this is when it really gets to the heart of it all.

I don't trust God. I don't really trust His love for me. I'm not willing to really let Him love me, to really let my relationship with Him sustain me. I'm not really willing to be vulnerable.

One of my wonderful godly mentors of life helped me realize these things. God is intimate. (sound familiar???- yeah, about a year ago- exact quote.)

And he gave me the same verse he gave me last year... Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."

But here's the funny thing, at Coatesville the Lord gave me that verse too, when one of the sr highers was sharing from that chapter, that verse and the surrounding ones stuck out to me:

" Trust in the LORD, and do good;

dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.

Delight yourself in the LORD,

and he will give you the desires of your heart.

Commit your way to the LORD

trust in him, and he will act.

He will bring forth your righteousness as the light,

and your justice as the noonday.

Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him" (3-7)

And that really comes down to what the Lord was calling me to do. He wasn't saying, "replace sr high with college and career and keep being so busy and not spending time at my feet." He wanted me to be still. To draw near to Him.

And I'm going to be honest.

That freaks me out.

Being busy is easy for me. It's safe. It's how I thought you showed people you loved them...how you got people to love you- you serve, right? And it's easier to serve than to sit and open up your heart to someone to let them in...cause what if they let you down? what if they hurt you?

And I know that I'm talking about God here. I know that He doesn't leave or forsake me. That He's perfect. That His love is perfect.

There's a lot of stuff I know.

There's a lot of stuff I tell other people.

But when it comes down to really risking my heart- my feelings- I'm scared.

I had a panic attack Tuesday night. I was at the old woman's house taking care of her and I lost it. I knew all the verses to go to. I knew all the right thoughts to think. I literally had Rob Paoletti preaching Psalm 23 on my ipod in my ear. My friend texted me the perfect passages of scripture. It was all exactly everything I needed to hear. But...the connection from my head to my heart had short-circuited. And I lost it.

I did fall asleep. But I was more confused than ever. I'm supposed to be staking everything in a God who let me just lie there and have a panic attack now? I'm letting go of every other foundation and now I feel like I'm on the shakiest ground there is? I stepped out of the boat and now I'm going to drown?

But here's the deal- "“Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life," (John 6:68)

As traumatic as it was, in the light of day, I know that the Lord is my Good Shepherd. And even thought His footprints are unseen sometimes- I've seen them before. And He let everything rock in my life Tuesday night so that the other morning I could sit and really seek Him.

And I did. Because I really really needed Him.

And I realized I translated the way I am with people onto God.

When I was younger, I was definitely not cool (yes, less cool than I am even now). In like 3rd grade, I had a really good friend, who actually was cool, who left me for the "cool group." I tried to follow her, until her friends asked me to stop following her around because I was annoying.

This may sound super stupid and petty, but honestly, this was a defining moment in my life.

I don't think I really ever trusted that people wanted me around again.

Like, I hope that people want to be with me, but so that I don't lose face or get hurt, I always have a back up joke or a back up excuse as to why it really doesn't mean anything to me if they don't want to be.

I pretend to draw near confidently to people, but always with a certain hesitation, just in case...just in case I actually annoy them or they don't want me to be around.

I won't truly depend on other people. I don't trust that they'll pull through. Stupid things- like I would always have back up food or drink if other people offer to bring them, because I don't trust them.

So I really don't like to ask for help. Or expect people to supply my needs.
And if you just have low expectations for people than of course they will never let you down.

Don't even get me started on relationships...I won't even go there. I'm so freaked out at the idea of ever being that close to anyone.

And I translated that whole heap- all the walls and barriers and mistrust- all my back up plans to God.

Because, even thought I know God loves me...there's that "what if?" So I've had my "back up plan" of my filthy rags to fall back on. My servings. My being good. My self righteousness. I know I'm saved by His grace and because of His love for me...but when it comes down to putting my money where my mouth is: I don't really trust Him.

And so I went back and read the verses I gave to other girls. To girls that I stayed up till 2 am sharing how much God loves them. How He wants to be their Husband. To lavish His love on them. How they can draw near to His throne confidently.

And I read them for myself.

Because: God loves me.

God loves me.

Amazing Love- how can it be, that You my King would die for Tiffany?

Amazing Love, I know its true...

and its my joy to honor You.

And I'm still growing in this. I'm learning to Be still. And I'm still somewhat freaked out. But I'm learning its true- "perfect love casts out all fear." He's giving me strength to "know the height and depth and breadth" of His great love for me.

There's never going to stop being more to know of His love. His thoughts toward me. His desire for me. The way He sees me.

One year ago He answered this promise to me. But He revealed these verses to me in such a new way this morning.

Fear not, for you will not be ashamed;

be not confounded, for you will not be disgraced;

for you will forget the shame of your youth,

and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more.

For your Maker is your husband,

the LORD of hosts is his name;

and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer,

the God of the whole earth he is called.

For the LORD has called you

like a wife deserted and grieved in spirit,

like a wife of youth when she is cast off,

says your God.

For a brief moment I deserted you,

but with great compassion I will gather you.

In overflowing anger for a moment

I hid my face from you,

but with everlasting love I will have compassion on you,”

says the LORD, your Redeemer.

“This is like the days of Noah to me:

as I swore that the waters of Noah

should no more go over the earth,

so I have sworn that I will not be angry with you,

and will not rebuke you.

For the mountains may depart

and the hills be removed,

but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,

and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”

says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

Isaiah 54

I love Him. Because He first loved me. I'm so thankful.

Senior High Youth Ministry

2011-08-08T12:03:00.000-04:00

Its so weird to look at my last post and truly believe that was only a week ago. The Lord has rocked my world so much since then.

I think I need to preface this post with what Sr High Youth Ministry means to me: Sr High Ministry is a major part of my life. I schedule the majority of my social, work, family life around it. And I have since 2003 when I was a 9th grader. I could probably count the number of events I've missed belonging to Sr high on two hands since then, not counting my year of exile (after you graduate they ask you to take a year off until you become a leader). I love Sr High. I always have. I always will. Sr High is my Friday nights for the most part. Almost all of my friends are Sr high staff. We plan our social events around Sr high. We socialize at Sr High. Sr High is my Wednesday nights. I haven't been in the sanctuary on Wednesday nights consecutively for about the last two years. I usually only check my email because I may be getting an email relating to Sr high. The Sr High website is the on my top sites list when I open my internet browser. Sr High is my facebook status updates and a major percentage of my Facebook friends...I know this is starting to sound pretty pathetic. But I was wholeheartedly Sr High staff.
Yes.
Was.
Jesus called me out of it this week.
So here's what the Lord showed me at Coatesville. I mean, this has been a process for months now and you can trace it if you look back over some of my posts recently. Something had to go. Sr High wasn't an option. But even looking over my posts I realized- I've barely posted about Sr High. I've barely prayed for Sr High. When life was getting crazy, I wouldn't admit it to myself but it was Sr High that was taking the back-burner.

my devo spot

So on Saturday morning, I walked out of my bunk and toward my devo spot. (And look even how faithful the Lord was to prepare me for this season!) On my way I just felt this sense of ending. Like my time at this spot was over. Mid-basketball court the tears started streaming- No more Coatesville? and then the thought went one step further- No more Sr High? What could this mean? But in the Lord's mercy and grace, part of the "Banner" (memory) verse for the week came to my mind:
"Fear Not" - but why "Fear Not" ? Why shouldn't I fear? I think I have every reason to fear- my whole life was about to change drastically! My pride would have to be humbled. My Friday nights would be empty. No small groups? No Wednesday night studies? Everyone going to Coatesville, Prayer Retreats, Winter Retreats without me??? I thin I had every right to fear- but Jesus said- "Fear not"- key word here being "Jesus said."
If anyone else said, Fear not- it would not mean anything. This week our theme was "Jesus our Hero." The skits revolved around a hero named "hero man." He was a failing hero. If Hero man told me to "fear not," it would be no comfort. But it is Jesus who tells me to "Fear Not." Not even Brian or Mike. Not my friends. Not even Pastor Joe. It is Jesus- He is my comfort.
And He began to reveal to me who He is through the rest of our memory verse:
"Jesus Christ, the faithful witness, the firstborn from the dead, and the ruler of the kings of the earth, says, 'Fear not. I am the First and the Last and the Living One. I died and behold, I am alive forevermore" (Revelation 1:5, 17, 18)

"The faithful witness"- the one who stands before the Father testifying of what He has seen- that Christ Himself died and rose- being the "Firstborn from the dead" because He loved me- to save me. And He witnesses my whole life- all my failing- and loves me still. He witnesses that His blood covers me- through Him I have the redemption of sins. I can stand before the Father, washed, blameless. It is the Jesus who conquered death who tells me to "fear not."

"the ruler of the kings of the earth"- 'no power of hell, no scheme of man- can ever pluck me from His hand.' What can man do to me? What situation can arise the He has no control over? He rules even the kings, governors, presidents.

"I am the First and the Last and the Living One"- Time has no dominion over Him. Even lately I've watched Him make "a day as a thousand years and a thousand years as a day"- it feels like that's the amount of time it should take for the work in me to be accomplished! He's always there- in every situation. And He sovereignly controls it.

"I died and behold I am alive forevermore"- death has no reign over Him. And so death has no reign over me- through Him. Eternity is before me.

So why do I fear? Jesus who has full dominion, Jesus who died because He loves me, Jesus who is coming again says, "fear not."

And so I felt peace that morning. I felt like I could give it up to this Jesus- but only for a season. I mean, He wouldn't really call me to give up sr high, would He? This was all just a little test this morning. I'd come through and through Christ has been victorious- right?

And so I went through my day, and met with some friends. and I shared about that morning. And now I felt like- 'wait, this could be real!' And I was scared again. And even though I'd opened my hand a crack, I still wasn't really letting go- because- That Jesus- He wouldn't do that to me. Didn't He know I needed Sr High????

I went into communion that night. And every song called Him Lord- and I told Him "no."
Every song said He was worthy and I held my fist shut. Every song called to give Him all- and I couldn't take it anymore. He was calling and I had to answer. Jesus died. He shed His blood. He loves me. He's worthy. I had to let go if I ever wanted to know this Jesus more or be able to praise Him. To bring Him glory.
And so I let go.
And I worshipped.

And so afterwards I told me friends. I talked to my friend Sara on a wet bench under a broken umbrella in the rain. We both knew I would never have come up with this on my own. The idea of me leaving sr high was so ridiculous, insane, out of the blue. It had never been an option. Sr high was mine. I would never even pray about giving up Sr High...

Months ago Pastor Joe taught on Mary and Martha. I knew I was being Martha. I was so busy. I was not sitting at Jesus feet. "But Martha was distracted with much serving." "Martha Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion which shall not be taken away from her" (Luke 10:41) and even during communion Saturday night, someone read the account where Mary poured out her all on Jesus' feet. Jesus said to Judas when he criticized her, "Leave her alone, so that se may keep it for the day of my burial. For the poor you, but you do not always have Me." (John 12:7). And Sunday morning as I thought on these things, I found in my Bible a sheet of song lyrics and on the back "Don't Hold Back." And then I remembered, my friend Ade had shared one morning on Mary's story. I had forgotten. But Jesus had been preparing me- to pour out my all to Him. My treasures. He was worthy of them.

And after Joe taught on Mary and Martha I knew I needed to seek His heart for all my ministries. But I wouldn't really. Because somewhere deep inside of me- I wasn't willing to let go if He asked for them. So if I don't offer them to Him, I won't have to say no when He asks for them, right? I remember awhile ago my friend Chantale asking me how I was doing. And for some reason I shared with her how I was touched by the Mary/Martha study. She asked if she could pray with me and I remember her praying that I'd know which ministries to be a part of and which need to go. And part of me recoiled then. Part of me knew that the Lord would answer that prayer. Part of me knew I didn't really want Him to. And what's funny is I got a text from Chantale this week. I hadn't talked to her or texted her probably since that talk. All it said was "Beloved, 'Cast your anxieties upon Him for He cares for you' 1 Peter 5:7" He was preparing me all week.

On the camping trip we read those verses I wrote about in my last post in Zechariah. "And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (7:6) And even in 8:23, "In those days ten men from the nations of every tongue shall take hold of the robe of a Jew, saying, "Let us go with you, for we have heard that God is with you""- and if I'm not following after God- who would ever say that of me. How can I lead people to a Lord that I'm not following after?

Midweek, some drama had arisen with some girls and I felt like I literally had no wisdom to deal with it. Nothing. And I honestly didn't really want girls to come to me about things. I hid from it. And I wanted just to be with staff. And I wanted just to play Monopoly Deal. (pathetic I know).
And my heart- my heart wasn't right. I had to let this go. What's the point of it all if it isn't for God's glory? If it bears no fruit in my life or these sr highers lives.

The Lord has continued to just confirm that the time was over. Really random things. Like for some reason when I was getting the make-up station supplies at the store before Coatesville I was determined to get a plastic bin so I could keep everything in the sr high closet. And I decided to label it and make a list on top of all the supplies that were needed...just in case...i wasn't going to be able to do it next year...

And just what the Lord has shown me through it and just how near and real He's been. How much more settled I feel (though I have waves of sorrow when I think of everthing I'm going to miss out on. which is just plain selfish. though I still get worried that I'm crazy and made all this up. though I get anxious at the idea of my friends all going to staff meeting without me. its a million little things that have just always been there that won't be anymore. strange. just so different.) but I really am confident that this is the Lord's will. That He is pleased. I need Him so much right now. I need Him to be real for me. And He has been.
And I'm watching it take a purifying effect on my entire life. I've hid behind my busy-ness. Friendships that need to go deeper. Friends who have walked away from the Lord I need to pursue. College and Careerers that need friends- who need someone who has a Friday night open- because they're alone because they gave up their friends to follow Jesus. Kids who graduated senior high who need to get plugged in. I know how hard that first year out of sr high is...I feel like I'm almost reliving it- but with so much more knowledge of who Jesus is- by His grace I've learned there is no other Fountain.
I've hid from all of this things because I was "too busy" bearing no fruit, living selfishly, pursuing my own agenda.
Praise the Lord He's freeing me.

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, when he delights in His way; though he fall, he will not be cast headlong, for the Lord upholds his hand.
" I have been young and now am old, yet I have not seen the righteous forsaken or His children begging for bread. He is ever-lending generously and His children become a blessing." Psalm 37:23-26

hero man

facepainting and nail salon

being with these girls and watching people <3

I'm going to miss Sr High. Everyone asks what I'm doing instead. Well, I'm just still doing all the other million things I've been doing but praying for the Lord to purify and remove any of them if they also have to go. I want to be able to pour myself into them but as an outflow of what the Lord pours into me.

Life as of Late

2011-07-30T16:51:00.001-04:00

Sorry for the major lack of updating. Too busy living life, you know? And the busier I got the more unmotivated I became to update about it because I knew how long it would take...and now I'm forgetting everything I wanted to update about and don't even know where to begin...ha

So we'll start with Grandma, I guess, since this blog is half about her (and half about me!):
Well, we left off with grandma having gotten out of the hospital with a bladder infection, but than her lungs were sounding bad. As the week progressed, her lungs had ups and downs. We had home care coming out to see her and all that jazz, but she continued to just decline not only with her breathing but mentally also. She just was not communicating, kind of just making noises. But the trouble came when she decided to stop eating last weekend. She literally ate and drank nothing all weekend. Monday I called the home care office but they kept not calling back. So finally I knew it was time to call hospice. Deciding to call hospice was a lot more of an emotional experience than I imagined it would be. My mom cried talking about. I had teared up talking to our nurse about it. But when grandma stopped eating I knew we needed their help.

So hospice came out not last monday but the monday before and I mean, things aren't a ton different. She's eating again. We have nurses who come out and chaplains and I get enemas in the mail. I have an aide who helps me out a ton because I got another job recently.

Someone from church hired me to watch their mom three nights a week. She has Parkinson's and dementia. I lay in a bed next to her hospital bed, put my hand on her back, and say "do you feel me here" and then I get her drinks and put her on the commode whenever she needs to.

I'm tired lately.

But the aide is a huge help cause she comes the mornings after I work so I can sleep for a few hours and have peace of mind that grandma is changed and fed. And the aide is a sweetheart and seems like she genuinely cares about grandma.

Now I'm still doing all of the other things I mentioned.
ESL has been super interesting- not what I expected but awesome nonetheless. Our people have been super flaky: like one week it'll be a group of 14. the next week it will be a group of 10 with like only two people being the same as the week before. Really random. But we got a family coming out from Belarus. We invited their 16 year old daughter out to our Sr High event that was like a week-long in house retreat. She and her friend came out- they were pretty hyper and flirty but they sat through at least 8 Bible studies, opened up Bibles in English and Russian, and heard the gospel. And who knows what the Lord will do with that.
Also and girl from France who is in highschool came out to one of our Bible studies too, so that was encouraging.
Its been such a diverse class- China, Moldova, Belarus, Lithuania, Russia, Ukraine, France (originally from Benin, Africa), Yemen, Brazil and those are only the countries I'm listing off the top of my head. “Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told." Hab. 1:5

And Girl's study has been great too. The same kind of deal- different people every week, but really sweet. Hebrews is awesome.

Next week is Coatesville- so not even ready for it at all. I'm going to the beach Thursday and just want to lay there and read my Bible and prepare my heart for next week. This summer is flying by!

That's another thing I'm learning. Be still. I'm really bad at that. I mean, laziness- I'm like an expert at laziness, but being still is so different than being lazy. Stillness is not really a passive thing. It does take discipline. Motivation. determination. things I'm really bad at. Mary and Martha.
I went camping this weekend (yes in the middle of a heat wave) and we were looking at Zechariah 7 where the Jews had instituted a fast that they did to mourn, but God hadn't instituted the fast. They the Lord said, "When you fasted and mourned in the fifth month and in the seventh, for these seventy years, was it for me that you fasted? 6 And when you eat and when you drink, do you not eat for yourselves and drink for yourselves?" (Zech 7:5-6) and I felt like He was asking me that about all the things that I'm doing. I'm busy. Really really busy. But why am I doing all of these things? What's my reason. And I know for the most part I'm not doing them as an outflow of my love for God, I'm not doing them to bring Him glory. I'm doing them for people, or because I'm "supposed to" or because I still have that legalistic tendency that somehow I can "earn" my relationship with God. But no, really the Lord is saying to me- "Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted on the earth." Psalm 46:10
He isn't telling me to stop doing everything I'm doing, at least I don't think. But I think I need to re-examine my motives. Cause seriously- what is any of this worth if it's not for the glory of God- if its not done from a pure heart? If I'm ignoring sitting at Jesus' feet to bake a tray of brownies for ESL or neglect reading His word so I can have a clean house for Girl's study. And I honestly don't have the strength to do all this stuff. I'm pulled like thirty ways and can hardly give myself to all of the things I'm called to. And how does that glorify God? How does that lift up His name? How does that draw me closer to Him.
I need Him. I need Him to bear any fruit in my life. I need Him to reach the lost. I need Him to even worship Him. I can't do any of it.
"Come to me all you who labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn of Me for I am meek and lowly of heart."
Burning out in ministry does not glorify God. He's gloried in my weakness being made perfect in His strength. I want to learn of Him. And in that to draw near to Him. The goal= to know Him more and through that bring glory to His name. To truly worship Him.
He's so passionate about His name.
and with all that said- I'm leaving for coatesville tomorrow. please pray. i'm really tired. i want to glorify and know God more this week. I want to minister to our sr highers. I want to minister to our Coatesville kids. I want to do it in the Lord's strength through the power of the Holy Spirit.

p.s. just to prove how busy i am I started this on the 18th and am finally posting it today...ugh!

Looking to Jesus

2011-06-29T00:02:00.000-04:00

Psalms 32:8 "I will instruct thee and teach thee in the way which thou shalt go : I will guide thee with Mine eye ."

Hebrews 12: 2 "looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith"

"Look around and be distressed.Look within and be depressed. Look to Jesus and be at rest."- Corrie Ten Boom

Morning and Evening by C.H. Spurgeon

June 28th Morning

“Looking unto Jesus.”

Hebrews 12:2

It is ever the Holy Spirit’s work to turn our eyes away from self to Jesus; but Satan’s work is just the opposite of this, for he is constantly trying to make us regard ourselves instead of Christ. He insinuates, “Your sins are too great for pardon; you have no faith; you do not repent enough; you will never be able to continue to the end; you have not the joy of his children; you have such a wavering hold of Jesus.” All these are thoughts about self, and we shall never find comfort or assurance by looking within. But the Holy Spirit turns our eyes entirely away from self: he tells us that we are nothing, but that “Christ is all in all.” Remember, therefore, it is not thy hold of Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not thy joy in Christ that saves thee—it is Christ; it is not even faith in Christ, though that be the instrument—it is Christ’s blood and merits; therefore, look not so much to thy hand with which thou art grasping Christ, as to Christ; look not to thy hope, but to Jesus, the source of thy hope; look not to thy faith, but to Jesus, the author and finisher of thy faith. We shall never find happiness by looking at our prayers, our doings, or our feelings; it is what Jesus is, not what we are, that gives rest to the soul. If we would at once overcome Satan and have peace with God, it must be by “looking unto Jesus.” Keep thine eye simply on him; let his death, his sufferings, his merits, his glories, his intercession, be fresh upon thy mind; when thou wakest in the morning look to him; when thou liest down at night look to him. Oh! let not thy hopes or fears come between thee and Jesus; follow hard after him, and he will never fail thee.

“My hope is built on nothing less

Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness:

I dare not trust the sweetest frame,

But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.”

"Fix Your Eyes on Jesus" by Twila Paris

When I look into Your eyes
I see the love that died for me
When I look into Your eyes
I see the hope that I will be a faithful child
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me

Chorus

Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Saying to my soul
fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes on Jesus (*3)

Verse II
When I look into Your eyes
I feel the grief when I have sinned
When I look into Your eyes
I find delight
When I have been a faithful child

CHORUS

Bridge

Fix your eyes upon the prize
The highest calling you will find
Following close behind
Following ever blinded
To the things that should not move me

Burdened

2011-06-15T13:18:00.000-04:00

It's been a long and up and down week. Did I really just post last Wednesday? Life is just flying by.

On Friday we lost one of our sr highers. She was a junior. She drowned in a pool down the shore. She was like literally just on facebook posting statuses. Next thing you know, her wall was just filled with "praying for you" and than slowly the "RIP" statuses and "praying for your family" statuses started filtering on when the confirmation came...

Divinely, we had a praise and prayer night scheduled for Friday night for sr high, and I've never seen so many kids show up at a Praise and Prayer Night. And we prayed, and we praised, and there was such brokeness.

And I won't pretend like it has not been hard. She used to be good friends with my sister and brother. She used to come over and dress up like a cow. She used to come to youth events and wear footie pajamas to retreats and read her Bible from her Kindle. And I won't pretend like she was on fire for the Lord. She was struggling. But I believe she was saved (Praise the Lord for His grace).

And tomorrow night is the viewing. And just thinking about it has made me so heavy. A lot of my small groups girls were good friends with her. But I remember them all being on the retreat this last January and I can remember during our small group time just saying to these girls, "Jesus is worth it." and I remember saying to them that whatever it takes to bring them to Jesus, it's worth it- no matter how hard it is, no matter how much it hurts or how painful it is, if it brings you to Jesus it's worth it. And a lot of those girls that I said that too just lost their best friend.

And today my heart for was just hurting. Hurting for her family, for her friends. I'm overwhelmed for this funeral tomorrow. A lot of her classmates from her public high school will be there. And I'm just asking Jesus to please meet with us. To minister. To take our burdens. Matt 11:28-30 has been such a comfort. I'm so thankful that there is Hope to offer these kids. I'm so thankful to know Jesus, Our Comforter- to have the Holy Spirit. And oh that I would be broken for the kids who don't have that. And oh that I would be urgent to share with them about who Jesus is- our Only Hope.
Please pray.
Please.

"Remember my affliction and my wanderings,

the wormwood and the gall!

20 My soul continually remembers it

and is bowed down within me.

21 But this I call to mind,

and therefore I have hope:

22 The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end;

23 they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

24 “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul,

“therefore I will hope in him.”

25 The LORD is good to those who wait for him,

to the soul who seeks him.

26 It is good that one should wait quietly

for the salvation of the LORD.

27 It is good for a man that he bear

the yoke in his youth.

28 Let him sit alone in silence

when it is laid on him;

29 let him put his mouth in the dust—

there may yet be hope;

30 let him give his cheek to the one who strikes,

and let him be filled with insults.

31 For the Lord will not

cast off forever,

32 but, though he cause grief, he will have compassion

according to the abundance of his steadfast love;

33 for he does not willingly afflict

or grieve the children of men."

Lamentations 3:19-33

Exceedingly Abundantly

2011-06-08T23:44:00.001-04:00

well, God is already doing exceedingly abundantly beyond anything I could have imagined...
I'm learning how small my faith really is...I don't expect that God will really do a great work in my day...but now that I'm literally watching Him do it, I kind of feel like Thomas when Jesus said to him "blessed are those who have not seen yet have believed" (John 20:29) and now I just want to expect Him to do even greater things-
my friend Carli shared this verse at our College and Career Girl's Bible study (which has WAY more girls than I imagined- or was ready for!) last night- Habakkuk 1:5 "Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told"
ESL was just incredible tonight! I'm just blown away and I'm excited to see how God just brings His name glory! I'm expecting people to get saved. I'm expecting God to just declare who He is to these people. For His love and His Spirit to be manifest. I'm like so excited!!!
p.s. gmom came home the day after the ER visit, but than started coughing and wheezing and we were worried she was getting pneumonia, but we got her some breathing treatments going on and she's getting better! good news indeed!

one year.

2011-06-03T00:30:00.000-04:00

Well, we made it almost a year without any hospital visits...and we broke that streak today! And we broke it with the longest ER visit ever- over 8 hours...ugh! Anyway, we actually kind of planned our ER visit, if that makes any sense. You see, grandmom just hasn't been herself all month and I've been planning on just taking her up to the hospital to get her all checked out, and life finally slowed down enough for us to actually do that...so how do you call a non-emergency into 911...you just kind of make stuff up- which worked and I think everything we made up ended up being true-
Predictions- low sodium or bladder infection
Diagnosis- low sodium AND bladder infection. Her heart enzyme things were also up but that could have been because of her pacemaker...also her eye has been gooky and red all month so they're gonna check that out too!
so it ended up being a success, but it just took a long time to get her a room up there tonight.

Anyway- crazy ER story of the night. Around hour 4 I went out to use the bathroom. I come out and I see a patient in a bed in the hallway (they were super busy which equals patients in beds in hallways) and her husband next to her...Would you believe that it was my grandmom's neighbor in the nursing home from a year ago (that i mentioned here)????!!! Anyway, I'd really gotten to be friends with this elderly woman, ended up finding out she goes to church with one of my small groups girls, and we wrote back and forth until I lost her address last summer. (I had sent her a copy of some old German lullaby she'd been looking for that I found on the internet). So imagine my surprise when I walked out of the bathroom and saw her. I ran into our room and told my mom and than spied on them for the next few hours till they got their own room upstairs. Anyway, I didn't want to bother her while she was in the emergency room so I'm going to visit her tomorrow when I go up to see grandmom. I mean, what are the odds that they would both be in the same hospital, in the same ER room, in the same section of the ER ward, and in the same hallway??? There are no odds, and I wonder why the Lord has continued to cross our paths...we'll see.

Anyway, I'm wiped- I'll update later about ESL (but it literally went incredible!!! The Lord is sooo good!) and I'll update any new info about gmom later (she's already perked up a ton from the sodium and fluids they put in her- thankfully!)

"...Forgetting what lies behind...

2011-06-01T11:17:00.002-04:00

...and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus..." Philippians 3:13-14

Crazy week: Lots of warfare. Lots of joy. Lots of comfort. Lots of the Lover of my soul. Lots of peace. Lots of stress. Lots of ups and downs. Lots of busy-ness. Lots of floral.

i love these girls

yes, my first high school friend got married saturday, and i still can't grasp it...

Anyway, this all in the midst of our first English Class starting for the summer to reach out to the community (read more about it here on my friend sara's blog)

please please pray!

So stoked

2011-05-25T09:19:00.001-04:00

today my Jersey friend Becky is coming from California (i guess she's my cali friend now) because Saturday we have a wedding for our friend Brianna! too much excitement I can't contain it.

So much has happened lately which is why I haven't posted- it's a little overwhelming but all good exciting things and I'll make a little skeleton outline and maybe flesh it out later for you all...

I. Our sr high group has started going door to door once a month in our neighborhood inviting highschoolers to church- pray

II. Our church is starting an ESL class (English to speakers of other languages) next Wednesday Night and yesterday my friend Sara and my sister April and I went down Bustleton Ave going into any foreign store or restaurant we found inviting people out- its sooo exciting! Literally, we met all Russians, which is really cool since I've always wanted to go to Russia (but the Lord just brought them here- perfect!)
Please pray!

III. Our college group is starting a new girls study/prayer/fellowship which will sometimes meet at my house

IV. we just had a missions conference at our church which was incredible with speakers like Poncho Juarez, Daniel Massieh, Matt Ellison, Bob Caldwell, Akson from the only Calvary Chapel in Zambia (who had never before left Africa!), Rafael from Spain, so many incredible men of God! (I'll link all these later probably!)

V. this is just all on top of regular C&C, sr high, small groups, church, family, grandmom, friends, weddings and showers!

VI. Summer plans- Coasteville missions trip, Surf Camp, Unspoken concert outreach, Senior High events, and more family, grandmom...

Its exciting- but the Lord has definitely spoken to me about clutter- All these are such great things and I'm like, all right Lord- it seems like I'm supposed to be a part of all these BUT He also showed me I'm cluttered- so I'm trying to cut our facebook and tv and anything else that is source I go to instead of the Lord for my strength, my supply, my life...
it's been refreshing to say the least.

anyway, check out Romans 8, yes the whole thing...the Lord truly ministered to me with it last night- and relooking at it this morning, vs. 34 was so sweet to me "Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?..." (also vs. 35) Jesus Christ faced condemnation for me. He faced the judgement of God for me. He faced the separation of the love of God for me. The Father turned His face away and did not comfort Him. So that I would not have to face condemnation, judgement, separation from the love of God. Praise Him. Selah.

Coffee with God

2011-05-06T11:41:00.003-04:00

I stole this from my youth group's blog but the picture has been seared in my mind for weeks now because I related to it so much. I literally read it at a time when I was whining in my heart because I always had to rush out of the house after dinner and never got to sit around and drink coffee and tea with my parents and siblings and legit that's probably one of my most longed for moments of the day...but alas, those times are becoming more few and far between, but I'm thankful for when I get them nonetheless...but if you can at all relate to that you will be very blessed by this next excerpt:

“Our best times together as a family are at dinner. At home after a meal, we push our dishes aside and linger together over coffee or hot chocolate. We have no particular agenda; we simply enjoy one another. Listening, talking and laughing. If you experience the same thing with good friends or family, you know it is a little touch of heaven.

When Jesus describes the intimacy He wants with us, He talks about joining us for dinner. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with Me.” (Revelation 3:20)

A praying life feels like our family mealtimes because prayer is all about relationship. It’s intimate and hints at eternity. We don’t think about communication or words but about whom we are talking with. Prayer is simply the medium through which we experience and connect to God.

Oddly enough, many people struggle to learn how to pray because they are focusing on praying, not on God. Making prayer the center is like making conversation the center of a family mealtime. In prayer, focusing on the conversation is like trying to drive while looking at the windshield instead of through it. It freezes us, making us unsure of where to go. Conversation is only the vehicle through which we experience one another. Consequently, prayer is not the center of this book. Getting to know a person, God, is the center.”

From “A Praying Life” by Paul E. Miller

photo courtesy of sarah leub

The Parting of the Red Sea

2011-05-04T14:30:00.001-04:00

So if I haven't mentioned it on here, my home church is Calvary Chapel of Philadelphia...I legit love my church. I've grown up there, literally, my family came to know the Lord shortly after I was born and I got thrown right into the nursery. I can remember fighting in the 3 year old class with some boy over a stuffed pink My Little Pony in sunday school (why did that boy want that My Little Pony??? as you can see, I'm still a little bitter). Anyway, but even recently, I've grown to just love my church more- our Pastor is such an incredible man of God. So humble. So submitted to the Word of God. Growing in just submission to the leading of the Holy Spirit. So real with just the work that the Lord is doing in his life and with his need for grace and growth still! And I really believe the Lord has continued to work and move and bless our church because of the heart of our pastors and elders (who have just this same heart as Pastor Joe!) and its incredible to see the whole church body growing in these areas also...yeah, so anyway. Calvary Philly has birthed other fellowships in the area over the years and one of them that is very recent is the Calvary Chapel in Germantown.

So a few weeks ago I got to help with an outreach that our church was partnering with the Germantown fellowship to do. It was an outreach to the Women in the neighborhood and also to a local Women's Shelter (they brought the women and their children to the outreach in vans). So somehow or other my friend Sara and I ended up planning a craft for the kids, planning a jewelry project for the teens, finding a movie for them, creating a lesson, and finding volunteers and supplies for nail painting for the teen girls...so needless to say, it was a hectic few days before it and definitely had some hectic moments in it...but it truly was all worth it!

So the plan was have the mom's go back with some older women who came from our church to have their nails done and have a break (and hopefully have a chance to be prayed for and hear the gospel one on one from someone who loves them with the love of Christ!) while Sara and I and our volunteers from our college group and sr high took care of the teens and kids!

I dedicated a "page" to this project which you can find here

We decided a few days before to do the Parting of the Red Sea as our lessons because for some crazy reason I had a MILLION fish stickers in my closet and still to do this day have no clue where they came from. So we had them make their own "red sea" so they could have a visual while we shared the story with them!

So while some did the craft, other played outside, and we let the older ones make "salvation bracelets" (colored bead bracelets that coordinate with the gospel- ex. red= blood of Christ)

The most incredible part is that a few Muslim women came from the shelter with their children. We ended up getting to share not only the story of how God parted the red sea to them (and these little girls paid more attention than any of the other kids!), they also got to make salvation bracelets and hear the gospel, and than we let the girls get their nails done where my friend Ellie (who only just got saved in September) shared the gospel with them again! The older muslim girl said to Ellie, "I wish that i could have this in writing so that I can tell all of my friends who don't know!" But she was hesitant to pray to accept Jesus. The best part is we found out a few weeks later from the pastor's wife that the mom got saved!!!

One of the highlights of the outreach for me was when we went around inviting women in the neighborhood out to the outreach, we came across a woman who had just had leg surgery and couldn't walk down to the church but she let my friend Beverly pray for her. Than Bev send me and another woman and a man to escort us back to their house to bring the outreach to them! Joan did the woman's nails and her and the man from the church spoke with her while I was able to share the story of how God used Moses to part the Red Sea and did the craft with the kids who were super attentive. There was also a 25 year old handicapped boy there who loved doing the craft...it was just so sweet to serve them in the name of Jesus. The one boy even colored me one of the Moses's and gave it to me to keep!

I was definitely exhausted by the end of it but it was truly such a wonderful opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus and I love just proclaiming the glory of God to the world. He's so worthy of it. And we should never be ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ- it's salvation! And with all that's been going on lately in the world between Osama Bin Laden being killed and the earthquakes and tornadoes and wars in the Middle East and rising gas prices...I'm so much more urgent for people to come to know the Lord because time is so short, Jesus Christ is coming back soon! And I'm excited for Jesus Christ to reign as King in Jerusalem on this earth one day...

I finished reading through Chronicles recently and one thing that really stood out to me was the heart of the men who followed David to see him be king in Israel. "All these, men of war, arrayed in battle order, came to Hebron with full intent to make David king over all Israel. Likewise, all the rest of Israel were of a single mind to make David king." 1 Chronicles 12:38 What is my full intent? What am I single minded on? Is it to see Jesus Christ be make king in the lives of those around me? I've been challenged...soon and very soon every knee will bow and every tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord! But how I long for my friends and family who aren't saved now to see His kingship and His Lordship while they still have a chance to choose Him...

Christ is Risen!

2011-04-25T14:07:00.000-04:00

my mom and her mom...my grandmom loves Cindy and calls everyone Cindy whose a girl, even me!

my mom was the baby of the family...aren't they too cute?

Add caption

my grandmom loves to watch "in touch with charles stanley"- she said that the speaker was wonderful and he brought tears to her eyes...here's a picture of her reading what she calls "the story of love" (aka- the Bible)

my brother jeremiah and grandmom have the weirdest relationship...

So Easter Sunday was just lovely in the Doran household. Grandmom was happy when she woke up and I got her dressed up and put "church" on the tv since she can't go anymore. she loves to watch church...anyway, she was really enjoying In Touch with Charles Stanley, and having a wonderful morning...until for some reason she finally remembered that her dad had died on Easter Sunday. You see, Lydia grew up in Germany during WWII and her father worked at the railroad station, which ended up being gunned down by a Canadian Fighter Pilot. He was shot on Good Friday and died on Easter Sunday of that year. And as much as Grandmom cannot remember my name, the date, or that she can't walk, she remembers that her father died Easter Sunday...crazy! Anyway, she started getting really sad remembering that her father and mother were dead (she doesn't usually mention her husband being dead)...

so we read 1 Corinthians 15:50-58 together and took comfort: " I tell you this, brothers: flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Behold! I tell you a mystery. We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed, in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised imperishable, and we shall be changed. For this perishable body must put on the imperishable, and this mortal body must put on immortality. When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:

“Death is swallowed up in victory.”

“O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain."

And that made her smile...

anyway, the rest of the day was lovely, church, cooking, baking- and my cousin Phil came over and his parents, my aunt and uncle on my dad's side, came down from the Poconos for dinner with their grandson and we had a wonderful afternoon and evening!

Thank you Jesus Christ for the hope that one day my grandmom's body and mind will be restored and we'll see our Comforter face to face... Oh Glorious Day!

Em's Super "7" Birthday Party!

2011-04-23T14:50:00.001-04:00

My little sister Emilee turned 7 on Wednesday and basically April and I pulled together the coolest super hero party that ever existed!

Super Em getting ready for her party!

Em drew her own invitations- april got them photocopied with all the information for her super guests!

This was our Super Hero HQ (that's what my brother said is what all the cartoons call the super hero headquarters!)
Notice that april spelled "telephone" wrong- I almost killed her!

April made Em's awesome Happy Birthday Banner. We set up the table so the kids could make their own masks to protect their secret identities!

Hailey made Em's cake with her "Super Em" logo and personalized cupcakes for all the Super Friends!

Some of our props for the photobooth and also one of our games (x-ray vision of course!)

Super Guests arriving! (is there anything cuter than batgirl and Super princess fairy (what was that kid thinking?) being reunited!?)

Highlight of their day- chasing chickens! Why did I bother to plan any games???

So these were our super villains- The Evil Dr. Birthday Basher and his henchman...Jo Jo. Anyway- we made a super video maybe I'll put up later where the Evil Dr. Birthday Basher threatened to destroy Emilee's birthday party by planting a bomb (i know...violent!) somewhere at Em's birthday party. The bomb was really a pinata that we made to look like a bomb!!! I know- too cool!

Our Super photobooth!

So the kids did end up saving Em's Super Birthday party and destroying the fiendish plan of the Evil Dr. Birthday basher (after Joe Joe and Jesse broke a window...but what's a birthday party without a little drama?) And I did test the super powers of all of Em's super friends and found that the majority had super flexibility (limbo!!), one had super speed (musical chairs), and all of them had x-ray vision (our guessing what's in the box game)!!! And of course, they couldn't have broken our pinata bomb without Super Strength!
So I would say, all in all, it was a Super Party and that it really ended with a blast ;)

p.s. yes, I might have had way more fun with this party than the kids...i have no life :)

The Truth... (my 100th post!)

2011-03-22T14:42:00.000-04:00

Blogs are so weird. You can kind of be whoever you want to be until people you actually know read your blog and than you start to overanalyze everything on it...

Well, after 100 posts I figure I should post the truth: Taking care of grandmom is easy. Yup, go figure- I am not a saint. I get a lot of glory for taking care of my grandmom. And yeah, there have been some incredibly difficult times these last few years, and I do not want to take any credit away from God- that truly was the whole point of this blog- to show that God is strong enough to take a self centered young adult and to change that girl's heart to give her the love she needs to care for her demented bed ridden grandmother. And truly- God has done that. But I think I got little one sided in my blogging and I would only post the "good things" and things that made me look good...Or the difficult things that also make me look good.

And that just is not fair to everyone else-

So please do not call elder abuse when I show you a real picture of life taking care of grandmom that proves that I am the worst grandmom caretaker ever:

-Lately I've been oversleeping till like 11 and my grandmom (who also sleeps late) lays around in a wet diaper. (I know I am horrible!!!!)
-Since we sleep so late grandmom gets breakfast at 12 and we just skip lunch...(ugh, it just keeps getting worse)
-I rarely brush my grandmom's teeth (all like 12 she has left)
- I also am too lazy to soak her hands and stretch them so they just keep getting more clenched and gross
- Her room is disaster because I usually hide the rest of the junk from the house in there and try to clean it up nice only when people are going to see her
- I almost never give her her night pills and often just forget to give her her morning meds
-I'm too lazy to call a visiting doctor to come out and see her so she's had no real medical evaluation since last July!
-The kids ate most of her chocolate she got for her birthday
- I feed her frozen meals for dinner more often than not

I'm sure this list could go on forever. Yes, you can judge me. I'm horrible and selfish and a failure. Of course this blog is used mostly to paint a picture of us snuggling all day, having big birthday bashes, and us baking together (I usually do not even take my grandmom out of her room...)
Ugh.
You see, I've been dealing with my own failure a lot lately. As a daughter, granddaughter, friend, human being, Christian. Ugh. But it just makes me more thankful that God sees all of my failure (even the things I will never be bold enough to share on blog) and loves me the same. His love is unconditional. And I'm washed so beautifully in the blood of the Son.
But I know that doesn't excuse my sins of laziness, selfishness, gluttony, etc.
And so this is the verse the Lord has not just been teaching me knowledge-wise- I'm actually learning that it is true through experience:
"My flesh and my heart fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" Psalm 73:26
I'm a failure. God is not. And I cannot change myself. As much as I try, I cannot wake up in the morning. And it drives me insane. BUT GOD. Am I going to depend, lean on, cling to His strength? Step out into it. Allow my life to show that God is stronger. And am I going to still struggle and have trouble waking up in the morning? Probably. But daily I'm going to lean on the Lord, for His mercy, His grace, and His strength- because the Lord is working in me and perfecting me and disciplining me, because He loves me and I'm thankful.

So I hope you all now realize I am not perfect. God is. I'm just sinner saved by grace. I'm so thankful.

Reality

2011-03-11T09:06:00.001-05:00

So once upon a time I went to Africa. I had just graduated highschool and was going with my Sr High youth group- trusted friends, mentors, pastors. Toward the end of our trip we were going to be staying at a Wildlife Resort and going on a safari. I overheard my friend Brianna making a comment to our youth pastor Brian about (what I thought I heard were) the "mechanical animals" we were going to be seeing. This absolutely made so much sense to me because I had already questioned why our leaders would take us to on a dangerous safari with real live dangerous animals- I mean, we were in AFRICA after all= danger! Once my friends heard that I thought that the animals were going to be mechanical (like robotic, if you don't know what I mean by "mechanical"), the new hobby of this "missions trip" team was to play mind games with me. Who do I trust? One minute, "yes, Tif, the animals are mechanical- you seriously thought we'd take you on a safari with real live lions?" and the next minute "Tiffany, honestly, they are real animals!" You can imagine my utter despair as this goes on for hours...anyway, finally at dinner, I get my friend Christa, who I knew I could trust, to tell me the truth- yes, we were going to see REAL lions, elephants, hippos on this safari.

So, the great justice of this whole ordeal came when we were riding in our completely-exposed-to-the-forces-of-nature-jeeps (weaponless, we later found out) and basically stall out in front of two young male lions who were both attempting to woo a young lioness. While everyone else's hearts were beating out of their chest in fear, I was living in some alternative universe- I literally had no fear. Honestly, there wasn't a concern in my mind about being mauled to death in the African savannah. The reality of the situation just was not real to me at all.

And so, I was reading Revelation 4 this morning describing the throne room of Jehovah God and I was just like- why is this not shaking me to the core? And I realized, its because I have such a dulled sense of reality. I live in an age where special effects and technology have made it possible to have a 3-D Television in my home (if I wanted and could afford it!) and put on a pair of glasses that basically could make a lion jump out of the screen at me. I can see Niagra Falls in the comfort of my own home. I can go down to the Franklin Institute and lay on my back and look at a ceiling and travel through the human body if I really wanted to. And so when I'm truly experiencing Niagra Falls itself, the power of it, the reality of it just isn't what it should be. It should be awe inspiring- and in a sense it is- but ugh, how this technology has dulled me to what it should really produce in me. And that's how I felt when I read Revelation 4- this description- John truly experienced and tried to describe to the best of his ability what He was seeing when he faced the throne room of God. And one day I'm going to experience that. And I want it to stop me right now and make me declare: "Worthy are you, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they existed and were created."

Too much birthday

2011-03-07T09:25:00.001-05:00

You know it's an exciting birthday party when you have to call 911, right?

Anyway, my grandmom turned 81 on Thursday and we celebrated by eating salmon and chocolate cake- a few of my grandmom's favorite things!

So Saturday night we invited over some of my dad's side of the family who, over the last few years, have grown closer to my grandmom than her side of the family since her daughters and their kids live out of state (very different than my dad's insane Irish-catholic family with the 30 grandkids who are basically over my house every other weekend)...

Anyway we were having a great time partying it up with lunch meat and cheese and crackers (a few of my grandmom's other favorite things!), when we moved onto dessert. I fed her some her famous cream puff cake and had given her a bite of coconut cream pie when I look over and notice her not breathing and her eyes all unfocused and what not.

Well of course my grandmom would choke in the middle of her birthday party!

Anyway, my dad (recalling the incident a couple of weeks ago) sprang into action and pulled her out of the wheelchair (with my uncle grabbing her legs and getting tangled in her birthday balloon that was tied to her chair!!!) Next thing I know, my aunt is screaming "Oh God no!", my other grandmother is throwing Lourde's Holy Water on her (while her and my grandpop continue to eat dinner), and we're screaming for the kids to leave the room because my grandmom is like dead on the floor and it didn't look like she was coming back this time...
I, with my intensive medical training from my responding to emergencies class, go to grab my CPR mask (which totally makes sense when someone is choking- not! there are many reasons I am not going for nursing), meanwhile my dad and mom have my grandmom laying on her side on the living room floor while April calls 911. I'm ready for them to bring the body bag when next thing you know my grandmom starts chewing...to wrap up this death defying tale, my grandmom lives on! The paramedics came just to check her out and the party continued (my grandmom did seem to have more life in her after that, though the rest of us were exhausted!)

And so we've learned that my grandmom really knows how to kill a party (que drum and cymbal corniness)

Happy Birthday Grandmom

2011-03-03T11:54:00.000-05:00

I had a little mental goal of having 100 posts by my grandmom's birthday, but since i'm at like 96 posts or something and today is her birthday...eh, oh well? Maybe I'll pull 100 by 100???

Eighty-one. yup! I never would have imagined her making it another year, especially after this last year we had, but I guess God has some reason that my grandmom is still alive!

So Happy Birthday Lydia Dora Roach! I love you!!!!

Compassion

2011-02-25T12:07:00.006-05:00

As I've mentioned, I go up to Coatesville, PA on Thursday afternoons to help with an afterschool club for the inner city youth. We bus them about ten minutes from the city to a place called The Camp at Old Mill, started by a couple named Jack and Sue Crans and their family. Anyway, this ministry has been going on since before my time, but I seriously love this camp, this family and the other volunteers, and these kids. Anyway, I help with the jr high girls, but Mr. Jack teaches them. I've decided I get more out of these teaching than the girls do because seriously I am so blessed to sit under the teaching of this man of God who has given his whole life to serve God by serving the people of Coatesville.

Anyway, Mr. Jack recently took a trip to Angola Prison (really called Louisiana State Penitentiary) where, I think the statistic is that %85 of the men in there are there for life. What a sad, dark place that could be! But by the grace of God, a work has begun there and these men are presented the gospel of Jesus Christ. And also, these men have been given opportunities to serve the Lord and serve people through programs like Malachi Dad's and the hospice ministry (video below).

Mr. Jack met some of the men there, toured the entire facility, and came back to share with us and the girls about Compassion. Well go ahead and rip my heart out, Mr. Jack. First Mr. Jack asked us what compassion meant and the girls through out words like "feeling" and "love." And Mr. Jack shared with us the story of t he Good Samaritan (Luke 10:25-37 ) . He reminded us that feeling love for people wasn't enough- but it was putting that love into action that would make it compassion. Than he showed us a video on the hospice ministry of Angola Prison. Anyway, the inmates minister to the other inmates who are dying- changing their diapers, feeding them, washing them, sitting by their side while they take their last breath, and sharing the hope of the gospel.
What a picture. I can change my grandmom's diaper, no problem- but the diaper of a convicted murderer? What an act of compassion! What an act of love! Anyway, I was challenged- I can say I love people- I can say I love the people of Philadelphia, I can say I love my church, I can say I love my family- but if I see a need, and am able to do something to satisfy that need and do nothing- than how is that showing the compassion, the love of Jesus Christ my Lord??? Convicting, challenging, and hopefully life changing...how I long to have Jesus' compassion for people. Jesus saw needs and did something about it. Jesus was surrounded by hoards of smelling dirty people who followed Him around all the time, and He loved them, spoke God's words to them, healed and ministered to them- even when He was tired and busy! Oh to be like Jesus...

One Last Shot: A story of redemption
- Watch more Videos at Vodpod.

On a totally random note- remember when I mentioned Dr. William Allan Dean's book The Names of God? Anyway, guess who signed the charter when The Camp at Old Mill was started????? Yes, W. A. Dean! woah, small world, eh?

No Heroic Measures.

2011-02-15T15:18:00.001-05:00

So God's done like probably a million things in my life since I last updated- but everything is so scattered all over the place that I'll wait to update.

But since Grandmom almost died this weekend I figured I should post for posterity's sake:

This weekend has been a blur- super super busy.
We got a surprise visit from my aunt (my mom's sister) and cousin from NJ Saturday morning and so at 8 am I was awoken to my mom saying my aunt was coming which meant I had to make grandmom, myself, and my house presentable= speed cleaning. So grandmom was pretty good- we set her out on the couch and she actually read through sale adds and wanted to buy jewelry for herself for Valentines Day and she wanted her diamond ring on (which she doesn't wear anymore because her hands are all clenched from her stroke and arthritis).

Than Saturday night I had some of my cousins (on my dad's side) over for a Valentine's party since our parents were going over their friends house for a Valentine's dinner. We played Valentine's and Doran theme "Win, Lose, or Draw" (its like Pictionary), Telephone Pictionary (it's like whisper down the lane but with pictures and words), and (in honor of my 14 year old cousin) Pin the Heart on Justin Bieber. It was fun and we ate way to much food and laughed the night away (typical Doran party)!

Pin the heart on Justin Bieber!

Anyway, my cousin Rachelle, who is a nurse was down from the Poconos and spent the night. So the next morning I went to church but my family had brought my grandmom out to the kitchen to enjoy our company and eat the breakfast that my brother Jeremiah had thrown together (Dorans really like food- weekend breakfasts are tradition!)

So I left them all to go to third service at my church and after church was going to see the play that the highschool was putting on (The Mouse that Roared- a hilarious political satire and romantic comedy!) with my friend Jenelle. We were walking to Wawa to get some lunch so our growling stomach's would not distract the cultured, theatre attending audience (though the smell of our jalapeno turkey wraps that we ate while watching surely did!) when my cell phone rings and I see that "Daddy-o" is calling-

The story goes- my grandmom was shoving into her mouth whatever my family put in front of her. When I had left that morning for church I had already fed her french toast and sausage. Apparently, as my family continued to sit and eat leftovers from the Valentines Party, my grandmom went about eating Cupcakes and Chips. But you see, lately I've been feeding my grandmom pureed food because she forgets to chew and swallow her food and also is missing about 75% of her teeth.

Anyway, Rachelle and my dad move into the living room to talk, while my sister Hailey plays on her laptop at the dining room table with grandmom. Next thing you know my mom notices my grandmom conked out sleeping at the table, which is pretty normal. Hailey comments on how grandmom was "snoring" which we find out was actually "gurgling" because the poor woman was CHOKING!!!
Anyway, they wheel her into the living room and my cousin takes the pulse of this unresponsive 80 year old and my family tries to decide if she's just finally dying or what is going on. We have my grandmom on a self proclaimed "hospice" which is whatever we want it to be. We don't have any nurses or aides coming out to see her, never call the doctor, and avoid the hospital at all costs. So she's been doing good since last July. And we're basically like- when the Lord takes her He takes her and we're not trying to stretch out her life anymore. No heroic measures. Do not Resuscitate.

Anyway, her pulse was good, but she was turning blue so obviously something was going on. Had she had a heart attack? They call 911 and they sat her wheelchair up (they had reclined it to check her out) and she starts puking! Apparently she'd been choking or had like vomitted in her throat and like started asphyxiating! Anyway, once she puked they laid her on the floor and she got her color back and started coming back to herself. Actually, she wanted to eat more!
So they sent to ambulance away after they took her vital signs and grandmom lives another day!
And I also got to still see my play, eat lunch with my friend, and go out to sushi with my sister Hailey's friend and go prayer at church that night! Successful weekend, I would say.

Anyway, its so weird to think that I almost got a phone call that my grandmom had died. Literally, we were really close to losing her. Sometimes I'm like, Lord why do you keep her alive? And it stirs me on to take advantage of this season- God has given me a ton of time to spend with Him and pray during the day. I don't have to work right now. I can go to Coatesville on Thursdays and spend time praying with friends and working with Sr High and going to church like every night of the week. But my life is going to be like this forever and I want to take advantage of all God has for it while I'm in it. I don't want to waste this time!...but who knows maybe my grandmom really will live another 20-30 years like she says she will...I wouldn't put it past her!

Jehovah Jireh

2011-02-03T14:38:00.001-05:00

All right. I've realized lately that I don't need God in a lot of areas in my life. I mean, ultimately I NEED Him to live, move, breathe, walk, talk, sleep, think. But, I mean, in a lot of areas in my life I try to supply most of my needs myself. Like, I don't depend on God for things.

And I realized I have been ripping myself off from knowing God in the most incredible ways ever.
For example: Money.
You see, I have this magic plastic rectangle that supplies all of my needs financially. I don't have money to get food with friends. *swipe* Now I do. Why did I ever get a wretched credit card. I've been missing out on seeing God miraculously provide for me. I've been missing out on depending on Him. Seeking Him. Allowing Him to be the provider in my life. Its so lame. I've been missing out on seeking Him for His will in my life financially- allowing Him to lead and guide and direct what I buy, when I buy it, how I buy it. Ugh. I could have known God so much more for so many years if I hadn't filled out a stupid application for a magic fix all card. And how I've tried to be provider in so many other people's lives. So and so is struggling, so and so needs money to do such and such, so and so doesn't have money for dinner- don't worry, I have a credit card that fixes everything even though I don't actually have the money and actually am in debt from stupid school that I haven't even gone to for over a year. How God could have shown His glory, His power, His ability in that situation. Why do I rip off other people from allowing God to show Himself able to provide all of their needs...???
And oh how much sweeter its been to realize- all of my money is His. Everything I do should be His. To actually look to Him for provision for all of my needs- to know Him deeper because I actually do need Him.
To go to God, the fountain of Living Waters instead of these broken cisterns... (Jer. 2:13)
And the examples could go on in my life.

I got the book Forgotten God: Reversing Our Tragic Neglect of the Holy Spirit by Francis Chan a couple days ago when I ordered my Bible off Amazon (free shipping- represent!!!) (p.s.- I had a gift card- thought I should add that in after the whole money rant up there...)
Anyway- ugh. Convicting. Challenging. Powerful. Please read it.

Oh how we've neglected the Holy Spirit in our lives...as individual believers, as the church body. How we've tried to minister to each other without Him, and how we even haven't tried to minister to each other without Him...How we've not known Him the way we can...experienced God so much more.

"I don't believe God wants me (or any of His children) to live in a way that makes sense from the world's perspective, a way I know I can "manage." I believe He is calling me-- and all of us-- to depend on Him for living in a way that cannot be mimicked or forged. He wants us to walk in step with His Spirit rather than depend solely on the raw talent and knowledge He's given us." p. 142-3

We don't depend on God in our lives. We love being comfortable.

"I know that I tend to run from situations where i need God, and I think that is true of almost everyone of us. It is safer to avoid situations where we need God to come through than to stake it all on Him and risk God's silence" (p. 149)

"Jesus refers to the Holy Spirit as the "Helper" or "Comforter" Let me ask you a simple question: Why would we need to experience the Comforter is our lives are already comfortable?" (p. 107)
If you've read any of my posts you know I struggle with that so much. But lately...the ways God has allowed me to know Him as I've finally let my fingers ease off the death grip I had on my life...I'm desiring to be more and more uncomfortable if only I can know Him more.
And as I know Him more, guess what, I'm getting more and more jealous for His glory. Jealous for HIS NAME TO BE LIFTED HIGH.
We've misrepresented God. I've misrepresented God. and it breaks my heart. I'm tired of it. We make Him look small. We make Him look unworthy of all of our lives. We make Him look so weak to the world. We don't love each other- we don't love the body of Christ. We don't love the lost. And we allow other religions, other gods to look stronger than our God. ugh.
I'm reading 1Kings...and I got the chapter 18 and how I desire vs. 39 in my life:
And when all the people saw it, they fell on their faces and said, "The Lord, He is God; the Lord, He is God." 1 Kings 18:39

That's what I desire. For my life to be unexplainable- so extraordinary that people know that it can ONLY be God- that He is glorious, worthy to be known.
And I know that is not my life right now. A lot of my life can be explained, can be attributed to my own strength- oh how I want people to only see my life and know that all I am is because of God...

"Do you exhibit more kindness and faithfulness than the Mormons you know? Do you have more self control than your Muslim Friends? More peace than Buddhists? More joy than Atheists? If GOD truly lives in you, shouldn't you expect to be different from everyone else?" (p. 146)

I'll throw our one more book recommendation- but its a very rare find, but if you can find it- its a treasure- it's called The Names of God by Dr. William Allan Dean. It's literally a study on each of the names of God in scripture and its incredible. But it's from 1961 and like impossible to find- but I do have two copies at my house after searching the internet desperately...but if you somehow come across this book buy every copy. I love learning more about God Himself. His names. Who He is. He is Jehovah Jireh- the Lord my provider. He knows all my needs and will provide for them...
but will I let Him???

Euthenasia

2011-01-30T23:58:00.001-05:00

I probably think the most about life when I'm driving around Target parking lots to check if the store is closed...

Whenever I mention how I'm still taking care of my grandmom and how she has dementia and is bed bound, but how she really is not dying of anything, people usually take this moment to tell me about how they would actually like to just die if they are at that point.

And I totally know what they mean...but... I don't know...my whole perspective on this has changed in the last three years. I was definitely one of those people too- "if I'm in diapers put my out of my misery, please." And yeah, there are other reasons people give for not wanting to grow old and decrepit (other than the embarrassment of it all) such as- "I don't want to put my family through that"

But, I've been asking God to bring Himself glory through my life. I've been asking Him to have all of me. I've been asking Him to make my life worthy of Him. To use me.

And what if...

What if God decides the way He wants to bring glory from my life is to allow me to lose my mental capacity...even the control of it. What about my bodily functions? If the Lord sees fit for me to live the rest of my life in a hospital bed...is He worthy? of even that?

I've met a lot of incredible people in my life. I have some of the most amazing pastors in the world. I have some of the most amazing friends in the world. I have had some of the most amazing mentors in the world. I've also travelled a good bit of the world. And no one- no one- has had such a transforming effect on my life as my grandmother has had on mine. God has used an 80 year old woman with dementia to conform me more into the image of Christ than all the missionaries and pastors and wonderful godly people who have poured into my life...

and so...when I'm 80 and laying around in a hospital bed you are welcome to read me this post. Actually, please read me this post. remind me its worth it. Remind me God is worth it. He is loving. He is all knowing. His plans for my life are good. He is able.
Remind me of this when I see fit in my mind to prevent my children and grandchildrens suffering when they see me that way. When my presence makes their lives uncomfortable. Remind me.
Remind me that "there are things you will only be able to learn from the weakest of these" (gianna jessen)

I love my family

2011-01-27T12:00:00.001-05:00

Retreat!

2011-01-20T14:03:00.000-05:00

Nothing exciting really happens anyway so I guess that's why I never post...sorry. Grandmom never goes to the hospital, doesn't really move from her bed so nothing very funny happens, and she doesn't talk as much as she used to, so I have no wonderful quotes to post. I mean, hey- I'm thankful that life as pertains to Grandma is not dramatic or exciting, but I still feel the pressure to pour forth hilarious grandmom stories into cyber space...and alas...nothing.
oh well, there's more to my life than grandmom!

Such as- the sr high winter retreat this weekend. And so really, I'm here on blogspot just to use it as a means to BEG for prayer for this weekend. 200 kids. like smallest staff ever. and we need Jesus just so much. I'm like literally desperate for Him to work in these kids hearts. They need Him so much. I need Him so much. Not only do a majority of these kids need to have their eyes opened to who He really is, but I know that there are kids coming on this weekend not saved. And I'm just like, Lord, please...

So if you would join with me in lifting up this youth group I would appreciate it so much. And I want to meet with the Lord to. He's been transforming me so much lately and changing all of my desires and heart and I want to know Him more this weekend too...

And I was thinking today- wouldn't it be incredible for these kids to have their lives changed and for a 200 kids to whole heartedly follow the Lord while they were young? And even as I was praying for that, the Lord also reminded me that as incredible as that is, and as how powerful as that would be- God isn't just about using young, able bodied kids to bring Him glory. How much more has God worked in my life through an (almost!) 81 year old woman, with basically no control of her body functions, no control of even her mind...but oh how the God of the universe can use anyone...anyone. Praise Him!

Year 3

2010-12-31T10:35:00.002-05:00

Well, January 2011 will mark 3 years. yup. 3 years of staying home with grandmom, hospital visits, insanity, and of the opportunity to see such an incredible side of God's character. His grace, His mercy, His compassion, His love for us that isn't about what we can actually do for Him.
God looked down on my grandmom and knew what it would take for her to come to know Him. How she needed to be humbled before she could accept His wonderful gift of salvation. I never imagined, growing up and praying ever night before I went to bed, "Lord, I lift up nanny and poppy..." praying for their souls to be saved. Praying for them to come to church with us. I never imagined that I would one day be pushing her wheelchair into church on Sundays, reading the Bible with her, listening to her pray before meals. I'll quote her, she'd "been apprehended!"- BAM!- God's grace... Waterfalls of it. On a woman who can offer Him literally nothing. What an incredible incredible God I serve.

This last year has been so different.
My grandmom turned 80, fell and broke her hip, had surgery (had a stroke), went to rehab, broke her femur, had surgery, came home, had a heart attack, came home and has been hospital free since July. And I'm not saying that her quality of life has been great since then, because it hasn't. She is mostly in her hospital bed, in her bedroom, watching Turner Classic Movies, but every so often we have a few moments of loveliness.
God spoiled us on Christmas.
Grandmom was just oh so good. She wasn't sane, don't get my wrong.
But she was happy. not agitated. pleasant. and able to enjoy Christmas. It was great.
and it wasn't just Christmas morning. It was Christmas eve, Christmas morning, Christmas day, and Christmas day eve. Spoiled.
It was probably the loveliest Christmas I ever had. Thank you Jesus!

The Easy Life...

2010-12-13T14:31:00.004-05:00

I'm going to say it, my life is probably going to be a whole lot easier when my grandmom dies. I won't wake up to diaper duty, I won't have to thicken liquids unless I'm making a gravy, I won't have to wash a million sheets and bed pads every week, I won't be late for sr high girl's teas because my mom didn't get home in time to swap nanny sitting...

And I'm going to say it, my life is probably going to a whole lot sadder when my grandmom dies. I was looking at some family pics (bottom right photos) and looking at our crazy group. My grandmom fits right in. And I'm going to miss her. Sure- there's a ton of things I'm definitely NOT going to miss. I'm not going to miss her stripping her clothes, or being in pain, or trying to go back to Germany, or her being constipated and agitated. But I'm going to miss being around her and making her smile when I tell her I love her. And telling her she's beautiful. Her big toothless smile is worth it all.

The easy life will never be the worthy life. I want to live a life full of worth. I've struggled so much lately with surrendering to God my desire to just be comfortable the rest of my life. I want my life to be my own- and I want to be lazy, I want to do what I want to do when I want to do it, I want to just be comfortable. But honestly- what a waste of a life that will be. I want a life full of weight, full of worthwhile things, full of the glory of God, and by His grace I'm going to live one...

O Tannenbaum

2010-12-06T14:25:00.002-05:00

I could be like a normal human being and share pictures of my grandmom and my christmas tree here and write cute little captions for each moment...

or i could write a book with my sister- check it out (and be totally weirded out, its okay)...i cannot wait for this to come in the mail!